[ open on manic Spokesman standing before his product, which rests on a table in front of him ]
Spokesman : “How many times has this happened to you? You have a movie, and you’re trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the cinema. You could rescale the movie, remove the movie’s stinger, intro and plot, and serve the story as you would any other presentation. But why bother, now that you can use GizmoCo’s amazing new studio tool, the Super Riff-o-Matic ’76. Yes, theater-owners, the days of troublesome rescaling, cutting and matting are over, because Super Riff-o-Matic ’76 is the tool that lets you use the movie with no film waste, and without rescaling, cutting or matting.
“Here’s how it works: Take a movie, remove the film can, and drop the film — that’s the whole film — into the Super Riff-o-Matic ’76.” [ drops the film into the blender ] “Now, adjust the control dial so that the film is ridiculed just the way you like it.” [ turns blender on and grinds it to a pulp ] “Yes, it’s that simple!”
[ cut to Theater-Owner on another part of the set ]
Theater-Owner : [ watches two seconds of riffed movie ] “Wow, that’s ter-riff-ic!”
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman : “We’ve got film here, fast and easy and ready to watch, mmm-mmm! Super Riff-o-Matic ’76 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a nine-month guarantee, and a booklet: 1,001 Ways to Heckle Movies. Super Riff-o-Matic ’76 works great on public service announcements, training films, matinee serials, and other short subjects.” [ blends one of each ]
“Super Riff-o-Matic ’76 — it’s clean, simple, and after five or ten movies, it gets to be quite a rush! Super Riff-o-Matic ’76 — you’ll never have to rescale, cut or matte again!”
[ fade ]