Spider-Man once defended my honor from teenage girls at the mall
NOW YOU
Somewhere Damon Wayans has a picture of me, bald, sober, duct-taped to a member of the crew from his movie Major Pain. Wayans was pretty intoxicated, and was preoccupied with one of his costars, but in the pictures he is grinning really hugely and obviously enjoying the shenanigans.
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are we to understand that you yourself were duct-taped to someone? you very skillfully utilized Damon Wayans’s star power to distract us from the meat of the story!
but it’s a very strong fact about you. hopefully Damon will chime in with his side of the story. don’t be shy, Damon!
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She was a very pretty someone. It went nowhere, but I can’t say I minded being duct-taped together for 10-15 minutes. Better than I typically did in college. Of course, I was so poor back then I had to use the A&P store brand “duck-like” tape or whatever… 
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2017 was a rollercoaster year for me. My half brother passed away, my grandmother passed away, I bought my first house, went to Germany for the first time, and as a parting shot in December I got my first speeding ticket. Oh, and they tried to call me in for jury duty right after my grandmother died.
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I once stayed the night at the house of one of my favorite authors! (I had an overnight layover in his home country)
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I took this picture, which some people think could never happen because they represent too much coolness! (Should have gotten Stan’s autograph too. Still…)
Also wound up as a clip in a Doctor Who DVD extra
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Back when I could still do glassblowing, I started a business just to sell of all the stuff I accumulated practicing, and I even had a logo made
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I once shook the hand of Chuck Tingle (or at least an actor personally hired by Chuck Tingle.)
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I’ve met David Lynch several times. He’s lovely.
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For some reason people I don’t know very well like to ask me strange questions. I guess I put off a vibe of having lived a much more interesting life.
My favorite was when a nice kid I was working with whose English wasn’t great asked me “You know how it is when you get kicked by a donkey and then you can’t poop right?”
To this day I don’t know why. I guess I give off that “just kicked by a donkey” vibe.
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I used to do some freelance music journalism and some of my writing is in the Smithsonian.
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I have tan lines delimited by the borders of (i) work gloves (ii) watch band (iii) rolled up sleeves (iv) wife-beater shirt at the front of the chest (v) from three chains/necklaces I always wear. It’s kind of odd looking: hands, completely untanned, and this strange untanned bit of the chest where the chains go, plus just the typical farmer’s tan with the watch band.
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This just had me rolling. Of course, don’t we all know what this is like?! If I had a nickel for each time I got kicked by a donkey and couldn’t poop right …
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I went to Space Camp when I was 14. 
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I got put in hundreds of papers and interviewed on NPR because I made a silly YouTube series that became a hit.
It was before monetization so I never saw a dime. But it was a fun little moment of internet fame.
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I’m hiding in your closet. Right now.
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…For most of 20 years in the US Air Force, I built conventional bombs and had access to nuclear weapons.
For some reason, this fact terrifies people who meet me today. Weird.
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And what does it mean to poop wrong?
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Do you really want an answer? Do any of us?
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