Criswell Predicts!

Recently during one of the live streams, I promised @optiMSTie that I would share some pictures from my copy of “Criswell Predicts From Now to the Year 2000!” Here are just some select few. If you want to see more, I can post some! My phone does a thing where I can copy-paste text from photos now too, so I can post some of the longer pieces if anyone would like.

First, here is a picture of the snazzy book jacket. Sadly my copy doesn’t have this, so if you own the book jacket and not the book, maybe send it my way? :innocent: lol

image

Here is the book itself…

His cherubic face throughout the years…


He jumps right into it with this as the first prediction. This sets the tone for much of the book which focuses a lot on sex and drugs. Whatever gets those Okies’ blood pumping eh?

Who could forget taking education-memory pills? I mean, they kind of made it impossible to forget.

Evidently, the Prince of Darkness came and went… Such senseless death and destruction.

Predictably, it gets a bit racist.

How many of you ladies still have your wigs from the great hair loss?

There’s plenty more, but this is basically it. I’ll add a longer one down in the comments! Let me know if you would like to see more of this bananas book!

-Natalie

8 Likes

"APHRODESIAN ERA
The ancient Greeks and Romans very often perfumed the air at their rites and celebrations with exotic aromas to arouse passions and lead to frenzied sex orgies. The human nostril is one of the most sensitive parts of our anatomy and pungent aromas have had and continue to have unusual powers over men and women.

I predict that our own United States will in the future be swept by the popular clouds of an Aphrodesian fragrance. It will be invented by a scientist who is searching for an improved antiseptic spray. Instead he will invent a spray that is almost odorless but when breathed stimulates the most basic sexual erotic areas.

This aroma will fill every man and woman who inhales it with uncontrolled passion. It will be sold at first "underground,” like LSD or STP today. But it will soon become easily available. It will be used by those who like its effects, and it will be used by the unwary who will not know they have breathed it until
too late to control its maddening urges.

I predict that the sex urge will advance rapidly and many men will flagrantly expose themselves in public. Grandfathers will be accused of seducing their granddaughters and uncles will be jailed under similar crimes. Women will begin to think more of their appearance and they will have new hair styles, more attractive clothing and more use of cosmetics than ever before. I predict that every day will seem like springtime but I also predict the driving urge, the driving sex urge will eventually cause orgies even greater than those of decadent Rome during the reign of the unmentionable Caesars.

I predict that the nation will be shocked by the first sensatonal case which reaches the headlines involving a well known Washington, D. C. official.

This man will be found practicing horrifying types of perversion with a group of young boys and girls in the seclusion of the White House. Photographs, drawings and other vile and unspeakable materials will be collected and confiscated. I predict the government will order this official to leave the country and the teenagers involved will be sent to juvenile institutions and homes. The man will later be found to be the Secretarv of State.

Use of the gaseous drug will become more and more widespread. Entire water systems and heating systems will be filled with it.

In Los Angeles, California, particularly Hollywood, sex acts will be performed openly unashamedly on the streets. I predict that this will be difficult to control for even the members of the law enforcement agencies will be dominated by the powerful cloud of Aphrodesia. Many cases of incest will be reported.

I predict a wealthy San Francisco attorney will announce his marriage to his mother and a Hollywood producer will openly declare his daughter is going to bear his child, and a young man in Arkansas will ask to be legally wed to his pet cat.

People from all over the world will try to enter the United States wishing to become hypnotized by this strange phenomenon but our ports and borders will be closed to them. I predict that many foreign leaders will find excuses to visit the United States on so-called diplomatic missions but in many cases their behavior will be shocking beyond belief. I predict that a famous Spanish diplomat will be ordered from the country because of his crude and inhuman activities. A member of the British Royal family will set up a Roman Coliseum type of structure on a secluded island estate where he will hold rituals that will shake the world. Florida will become virtually a huge nudist camp. Many socially prominent residents will protest and leave their estates and others will join in this miserable and utterly filthy performance. I predict the English monarch will recall his incorrigible heir to the throne and everyone involved will be rounded up, brought to trial and condemned either to prison or to a state hospital for the insane. In Evansville, Indiana, a well known playwright will have his own personal harem in a large hotel. He will employ photographers to take pictures and will later seek to publish them in a book but I predict this wanton man will utterly fail. I predict that the Aphrodesian intoxication will lead to mass nudity and men, women and children will throw away their clothing and stalk around just as God made them. But I predict that while all this came about slowly and gradually, the Aphrodesian era will end abruptly and without warning.

An antidote for this drug will be found. Right thinking men of government will have the entire nation “dusted” by airplanes, to counteract the fumes of the drugs, and it will be effectively wiped out.

And shame and recrimination will cover America. Americans will awaken from their debauch. Those who have managed to avoid the drug will be in power. And they will lead this nation into the strictly controlled America of the 1990’s, where all man’s thoughts and morals are controlled for him. Date of the Aphrodesian era: May 1, 1988, to March 30, 1989."

4 Likes

This dude is obsessed with orgies. Does he predict that everyone is going to be walking around with computers in their pockets? No one ever seems to get that one.

3 Likes

Huh, I think we might have slipped into a different timeline somewhere along the line. Some of those sound suspiciously like the sort of thing you might still find on certain less-than-sane political platforms, though. Wonder if they own a copy.

5 Likes

When your Wikipedia page begins with:

Jeron Criswell King (August 18, 1907 – October 4, 1982), known by his stage-name The Amazing Criswell /ˈkrɪzwɛl/, was an American psychic known for wildly inaccurate predictions.

…you know you’ve arrived. Like Liberace said regarding criticism, “I cried all the way to the bank.”

In fact, I believe Criswell predicted the end of the world for about 20 years ago. (Actually, he might have been right about that one.)

5 Likes

Wow crazy how a dude could just say anything he wanted and call it a prediction and print it in a book. Course nowadays I can do pretty much the same thing on ye olde Tumblr blog :laughing:

He’s thinking a little too small though. Would’ve been much more interesting for him to predict the odorless, pervasive aphrodisiac as some kind of biological agent the Ruskies released on the American population as a way to destabilize US society.

5 Likes

I have a book called The Book of Predictions written in the 1970s featuring predictions about the future from scientists to sci-fi writers to psychics. They pretty much all got everything wrong, but the stuff the psychics get wrong is especially fun.

5 Likes

Remember this, my friends! In the future all films will be Ed Wood films. Writer-directors of limited talent will squander the budget of small nations on their grand visions, but all will lack the imagination and enthusiasm of the master.

5 Likes

I don’t think you’re getting this Criswell thing. He’s supposed to get everything wrong.

1 Like

Did Criswell predict Yankee Candles?

I was actually thinking how he would have thrived today.

4 Likes

Very possibly!

2 Likes

M’eh, comics already predicted this

2 Likes

I want this book.

3 Likes

It’s not incredibly hard to find.

3 Likes

I will find it.

2 Likes

Sounds spot-on for current events. Also that it was due to a certain “demon of Greed”.
I don’t like that he predicts we have around another decade of this, though.

(OK, yes, Criswell’s predicted dates were off by about 42 years.)

5 Likes

I’m presuming he envisioned something akin to, like, arcologies (where he, true to form, misses the mark) but he might not be so far off if the prediction is bent a tiny bit. It’s certainly easy to get things to fit into place after the fact.

I’d at least suggest he got San Francisco right:

“… small, compact, carefully planned areas…”

The Castro was one of the very first gay neighborhoods in the U.S. and remains a LGBTIQ+ community hub.

In 2018, a site dedicated to the area’s Leather history (which has its roots in gay culture) was completed; a year later, the incorporated neighborhood was made the city’s Leather Cultural District.

“… where perversion will parade shamelessly…”

At the time of this writing, the annual PRIDE parade will be this coming weekend. There are also the Leather Walk and events like Up Your Alley and the Folsom Street Fair (also annual) which might not get the national coverage like PRIDE does but they’re absolutely staple and well-known locally.

“… all this will be within the law…”

San Francisco stands proud with its LGBTIQ+ community. Say what you will about Gavin Newsom (he has definitely changed) but, when he was SF’s mayor, he laid down a lot of the foundational groundwork that continues to provide support and protection today – although the city has a very storied past with the community and is home to multiple non-profits in service to them (including one that is the second oldest in the U.S.).

Fun fact: San Francisco didn’t have public decency laws on the books until recently. Lewd behavior was/is, of course, illegal but “clothing optional” was… permitted, for lack of a better word… until 2012. Even then, there are “unspoken” exceptions that the city makes and SFPD won’t pursue.

So good on you, Criswell, for having the forward thinking even if your intentions may or may not have been aligned in kind.

2 Likes

" Eddie, there’s no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a black tuxedo."

5 Likes

No one ever invites me to the organized orgies

sigh

Bored/Waiting - Cabin Fever Reaction GIF

4 Likes