I learned that rainy-day crafts, in particular the use of mucilage, are serious business and if you’re not mindful of that a host will spank you. (And not in the fun way, either.)
I learned that futuristic spaceships have massive basements.
I learned that some mansions are equipped with a nuclear-powered self-destruct button (but you should probably keep that guarded, lest a wayward cat activate it).
- I’ve learned it’s important to keep Public Pearl funded so as to keep quality programming like The Nature of Bobo on the air!
I learned that Tom Stewart killed me.
I learned that to bite me is to be fun.
I learned that if you scrub hard enough, you can remove dirt, grime, odors, disgusting worms, all of your vile flesh, the dark stain on your soul, and even original sin.
I use Bon Ami for that.
On that note, I’ve learned that Casey Adams was in Catalina Caper, and that Sam Newfield directed Jungle Goddess.
I learned that:
If the unusually youthful woman I’m dating wears a large ring and has an obsession with the nape of my neck, I should run away.
I should always look. (“Why don’t they look??”)
Hawaii mostly looks like Branson, MO
Springs are without a doubt the most important object in the entire universe.
I need to buy an ice cream freezer and put it in display.
Demons and angels make strange wagers involving lowly bread salesmen.
If I ever buy an 80s muscle car, it must be prune-colored for maximum effectiveness.
Toy monkeys are literally the Devil. Literally.
Every country has a monster.
If you’re going to the store, make sure to get crackers for your spouse.
Juvenile offenders are the fault of the parents.
If you come home and Ann Margaret is in your house, you will make only stupid decisions.
The dead do not in fact talk back.
I learned that the pituitary gland is, like, right there. It’s a miracle we can get through a day without piercing it.
All crimes are nothing compared to the true horror of comically chaste photographs!
I learned that I AM THE BUTTON.
I learned that Chevrolets are so crappy, they expect you to go through ten of them.
But he bought the car!
The Newest Testament
I realize now that electricians provide a valuable service and possess a technical knowledge far beyond anything I could ever grasp.
- If there’s one thing MST3K taught me: It’s that The Right People Will Get It.
I learned the answer to a question which has befuddled writers, researchers and philosophers for decades when a certain robot admitted that he does indeed dream of electric sheep.
I learned that, while it it not their normal means of locomotion, eyes can, in fact, crawl.