Everything I Need to Know I Learned From MST3K

MST3K Central
501

I learned that rainy-day crafts, in particular the use of mucilage, are serious business and if you’re not mindful of that a host will spank you. (And not in the fun way, either.)

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502

I learned that futuristic spaceships have massive basements.

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503

I learned that some mansions are equipped with a nuclear-powered self-destruct button (but you should probably keep that guarded, lest a wayward cat activate it).

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504

I hope I’ve learned MST3K in general, and Crow in particular, can be wrong (I’m a backer of DS2).

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505
  • I’ve learned it’s important to keep Public Pearl funded so as to keep quality programming like The Nature of Bobo on the air!
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506

I learned that Tom Stewart killed me.

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507

I learned that to bite me is to be fun.

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508

I learned that if you scrub hard enough, you can remove dirt, grime, odors, disgusting worms, all of your vile flesh, the dark stain on your soul, and even original sin.

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509

I use Bon Ami for that.

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510

On that note, I’ve learned that Casey Adams was in Catalina Caper, and that Sam Newfield directed Jungle Goddess. :rofl: :rofl:

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511

I learned that:

  • If the unusually youthful woman I’m dating wears a large ring and has an obsession with the nape of my neck, I should run away.

  • I should always look. (“Why don’t they look??”)

  • Hawaii mostly looks like Branson, MO

  • Springs are without a doubt the most important object in the entire universe.

  • I need to buy an ice cream freezer and put it in display.

  • Demons and angels make strange wagers involving lowly bread salesmen.

  • If I ever buy an 80s muscle car, it must be prune-colored for maximum effectiveness.

  • Toy monkeys are literally the Devil. Literally.

  • Every country has a monster.

  • If you’re going to the store, make sure to get crackers for your spouse.

  • Juvenile offenders are the fault of the parents.

  • If you come home and Ann Margaret is in your house, you will make only stupid decisions.

  • The dead do not in fact talk back.

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512

I learned that the pituitary gland is, like, right there. It’s a miracle we can get through a day without piercing it.

All crimes are nothing compared to the true horror of comically chaste photographs!

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513

I learned that I AM THE BUTTON.

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514

I learned that Chevrolets are so crappy, they expect you to go through ten of them.

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515

But he bought the car!

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516

The Newest Testament

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517

I realize now that electricians provide a valuable service and possess a technical knowledge far beyond anything I could ever grasp.

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518
  • If there’s one thing MST3K taught me: It’s that The Right People Will Get It.
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519

I learned the answer to a question which has befuddled writers, researchers and philosophers for decades when a certain robot admitted that he does indeed dream of electric sheep.

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520

I learned that, while it it not their normal means of locomotion, eyes can, in fact, crawl.

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