Great MST3K soliloquys

(For the purposes of this topic, Mandrake is excluding 1009 Hamlet). I can think of a couple of famous “speeches” from the show. Obviously, “he learned too late than man was a feeling creature…” and “You know, Captain, every year of my life… good and the beautiful…”
What else is out there for an aspiring actor’s audition piece?

5 Likes

I don’t know how high it ranks in others’ estimation, but there’s always Joel’s lament about school dances in Viking Women, if that counts.

Oh, and Mike losing his mind while going backwards through his job history. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more seen in the entire history of television.

8 Likes

I’m sure there was a really moving speech in Atlantic Rim, but I’ve blacked out the whole movie so I don’t remember.

I’ve always thought the most “oh my god is she going for an Oscar here” scene is in Deathstalker when the Princess is whining about how nobody understands how hard it is to be her. ACTING!

7 Likes

Mike Nelson as John Banner over the end credits of the Crash Of The Moons episode.

6 Likes

I do award her an Oscar, in the sense that every time I hear that I want to leap into a trashcan, yell, “GO AWAY!” and then slam the lid down on myself. :wink:

8 Likes

Joel gets in a great one at the end of The Castle of Fu Manchu just when the Mads are on the verge of claiming victory (then turns the tables on them brilliantly):

11 Likes

Depending on how loose a definition of ‘soliloquy’ we’re using, Joel’s rant on the 60s is something that made me laugh.

12 Likes

I think it’s funny that almost none of these replies mention dialog in the actual movies

I mean, SOME of them had something!

7 Likes

“Human elements still roam planet Earth! I, the ruler of the Ro-Men, shall send our cosmic j-rays, from which will spring prehistoric reptiles to devour whatever remains of life! Next, psychotronic vibrations will smash the planet Earth out of the universe!”

or

“I will arrive tomorrow night at precisely eight o’clock. At that time I shall make my wishes known to you. You will obey them… or die! Have a pleasant night’s sleep. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!”

9 Likes

What about Johnny Longbow’s boring story about desert fauna? Does that count?

7 Likes

Also, this.

6 Likes

I love that rant but, as someone who was living in Louisiana at that time, I gotta mention that he left out a few things.

4 Likes

Woodstock, Louisiana? :wink:

4 Likes

About the same age as Joel, I lived fairly near where the Woodstock festival was held and I wasn’t allowed to go either, so I may have felt even more deprived.

8 Likes

Oh, sure, he left a lot of things out, but it’s only a 90 minute show. You think he’s going to talk faster? Joel?

9 Likes

I shall send my reply about that via Polonius Bannergram, then.

On topic, if I was up for the stalker-type in a thriller, you could do worse than read the Evil Voiceover from The Atomic Brain. It might be good … in an EVIL way.

4 Likes

Between the shorts and some of the movies, there’s a lot of narration, but I don’t think those count as soliloquys. Ooh, what about the cop’s closing speech from that “Why don’t they look” short (I can never remember the title).

4 Likes

Home? I have no home. Hunted, despised, living like an animal! The jungle is my home. But I will show the world that I can be its master! I will perfect my own rice of people. A race of atomic supermen which will conquer the world!

8 Likes

I think that guy’s really yucky.

3 Likes

Dr. Krupp (The Bat) from Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy. Because my God, does he enjoy the villainous monologuing.

5 Likes