If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?

Has anyone ever seen this before? I would consider it to be the Manos of religious movies. It’s hilarious and amazing and I cannot recommend watching it enough. It’s mostly about what will happen to all the good and righteous Christians when the Communists invade the U.S. Sort of like Invasion U.S.A. with more preaching. And more gore. Because the guy who directed this, Ron Ormond, started out doing exploitation films, including Mesa of the Lost Women, which has been featured on Rifftrax.

You can watch the whole thing on Youtube-

But if you don’t have time, at least treat yourself to my favorite scene-

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I haven’t seen it, but the title sounds familiar. Perhaps there was a book, back in the '70s (the last time I was reading religious lit other than the occasional CS Lewis or Thomas Merton)?

If I did read it, I have no real memory of it.

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Ormund was also the janitor in Teenage Strangler.

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I didn’t realize that! Great MST3K connection!

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Excellent excellent excellent stuff – I actually snagged a (gray-market) DVD of this from our very same dearly departed prior source for the “missing” MST3K disks back when that was still in operation (no point in naming names at this late date, but, seriously, we miss you! and I can only presume you are somewhere here on the new forum) . . . . but anyway, this is truly the ne plus ultra exemplar of Christian propaganda filmmaking. Mwah! <chef’s kiss>

(As a bonus that un-nameable DVD also came with a full copy of The Grim Reaper, also by Ormond, which I have not yet steeled myself to watch. Great stuff though! And I’m not making fun of Ormond – he had some kind of near-death accident which turned him on to Jesus and off gore films and roller derby promotion . . . . he was clearly 100% sincere. A little too sincere?)

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Cinema Snob did the entire trilogy including Burning Hell and Believer’s Heaven.

Religious film or 70s exploitation film? I’ll do both!

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I looked it up, and apparently I never read it, but may have seen it in a Xtian bookstore at the time.

Why do I feel like I dodged a bullet? I read ‘The Late Great Planet Earth’ and it can’t possibly be worse than that, right?

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It’s great. Or terrible.

Has a hilariously demented view of Communism and sits among the very best Christian films that are totally nuts, like Ultimate Redemption and Jerusalem Countdown.

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This would be a good one for The Mads or Rifftrax, they don’t mind going after this kind of material.

I still hope one of them will pick up my favorite religious film, Stalked.

It’s like an episode of The Prisoner directed by the Lutheran Churches of America. Bonus points for containing a Brutalist sculpture of the crucifixion.

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I can only hear the title in this voice and rhythm.

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This film was included in the From Hollywood To Heaven box set by Indicator Films, which just came in the mail today from Diabolik DVD. I’m looking forward to seeing how absolutely wild this and the other Ormond Organization movies are. There seems to be some prime riffing material in this set, even in the secular movies included.

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Honestly, it’s one of the funniest bad movies I have ever seen. It’s so ridiculous that I have never seen it riffed and yet laugh the entire time anyway.

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Looking up that box set on Amazon and wow, the trajectory the Ormonds took in their film career is something to behold. And they didn’t even lose their touch!

Something tells me Nicolas Winding Refn is gonna do a biopic on the family…

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It looks like the copy linked in the OP is no longer available on YT.

Here’s another copy (I haven’t actually watched the movie yet but I might on vacation next week)

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It is thankfully 100% Kirk Cameron free.

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I’ve never seen it, but the great Seanbaby did a review of it back in his “invented being funny on the internet” phase. Sadly it was during his time writing for The Wave magazine, and that doesn’t seem to have made it into his archive.

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Rewatching Colossus And The Headhunters reminds me: The Cross And The Switchblade is on Le Tube. We should watch it together!

I knew about it because a MSTie I knew eons ago had a bad-movie tribute page which spotlighted it one day. (Where are you now, Alan Smithee of Minnesota? [sigh]) I mean, Pat Boone as the holy man and Eric Estrada as the “juvenile” delinquent." How could this not be an epic riffing experience?

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I actually saw that in the movie theater.

My misspent youth was no fun at all, let me tell you.

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It’s on Tubi, as well!

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David Wilkerson, the minister in The Cross and the Switchblade was kinda famous in Xtian rock circles for claiming to have seen demons running around a Mylon Lefevre concert.

Totally bonkers, in other words.

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