Lonely hearts club (band)

This is not intended to be a dating thread. I don’t think that kind of thing belongs here, and I don’t want to even get into that. Sort of like politics and religion or whatever: lots of other places to do that, and I dig the mellow, egalitarian vibe here as it is. Men, women, whatever, everything’s chill just how it is.

Yeah, this is kind of corny, but speaking as a pretty regular dude, full head of hair, only mostly a dipsomaniac with a mediocre but active dance card.

Eh.

I just thought it might be good to have a thread for people to vent about dating/hooking up/etc.

I’ll start: seeing this woman again at my regular after-work place kind of put the zap on my head a bit.

On the one hand, I was impressed we both were chilled out and just traded a few jokes and light-hearted regular conversations.

On the other hand, I gotta admit, she looked damn good.

On the other, other hand, I know it’s not anything i’d go back to in a million years.

On the other, other, other hand…it’s difficult to resist feeling a bit “pulled” in that direction. It’s not going to happen, again, and for good reason, so mutual maturity ruled this afternoon.

However, I am getting a bit closer with this woman at work. Age-appropriate, she seems smart, and obviously I like her.

Anyway, I’m not going to write a dissertation here, and I hope this is not inappropriate as a topic.

There is so much fascination and so many possibilties, in, ideally both directions.

I am tallking about RL things here, but it’s an open-ended thread. I’d prefer to keep it basically G-rated, but that’s not up to me.

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Hmmm… a real Kim Cattrall/Estelle Winwood dilemma.

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I mean come on. When was that, like July 2nd or 3rd of this year, I texted her and said I couldn’t deal with her beautiful eyes and I said we needed to cool things down.

Then she texted me back repeating what I just said.

I don’t think she understood that she just repeated what I just said.

Like, same page and everything, she just agreed with me in slightly different words.

Ugh. She’s not stupid, but, I mean, c’mon! Does everyone have to have to have the last word?

I will say she looked good today. Hey, what can I say? I may be an awesome chill dude, but I notice when a woman looks good. It’s ape law!

I’d have been happy being good friends (no, I don’t mean eff buddies…that’s not for me…but just friends), but there’s too much history there, even though it was just a little dalliance.

Too bad, so sad, but whatever.

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I suppose.

Not totally sure your message, but for me, as I suppose for most adults, one can’t have an adult, sexual relationship without mutual respect and understanding.

After all, as one gets to be after a certain age, everyone knows what the “score” is…there are not any surprises as far as which parts go in where and such.

However, there are some emotional tour de forces, which is I guess what I was dealing with in the OP.

Meh. Just got to roll with the punches, I guess. It can be frustrating, just because one has seen it and experienced it so much.

Meh. Ain’t no thing. Same old ess, same song, different verse.

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This may be a big deal or not, but my husband (we just celebrated our 18 yr anniversary), back in the day, told me “I gotta tell you, I have a crush on you.” and I just said, “Me too… I mean, I have a crush on you.” and that was the end of it… Nothing came of it for a few months, all on me, I admit it… I was scared though. I was young (18), had just graduated high school, and had had boyfriends for years… I wanted to be single, but the “pull” was real and strong. We just kept getting closer and closer until I finally asked him to be my boyfriend.

That was 20 years ago, and we have been together since. If you feel a strong attraction, can laugh with her, and feel comfortable… I say be honest with her… tell her you are starting to get interested in someone else, but you really feel a draw to her… She may have some real issues to go through before she is ready to get serious if that is your aim. Avoiding games and letting her know your thoughts, wants and needs may help her put her own wants and needs into perspective. You already know that she feels at least something or did…

This may not help, but really, I’ve learned that honesty will really make all the difference in the long run… If you really want the real thing, be honest, it will save a lot of hassel and real pain in the long run. Instead of pretending in order to make someone else happy, it will ensure real, lasting happiness if you find someone who will accept you and love you as you are, and vice versa… you can make a veritable paradise on Earth together when you build up this way…

Good luck dude. Seriously.

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That’s a beautiful sentiment.

Yeah, I was married once for eight years, and it was indeed like you say.

If one can grow together as a couple, instead of growing apart, so much the better. Didn’t happen that way for me, but it was a good way to learn.

No, you needn’t feel bad on my account: I’m enjoying my life and having fun encounters. Not frivolous, using-type affairs, but some meaningful encounters and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

And you are right about honesty: perhaps diffeent people have different meaures, but I only know what’s good for me and my parrtner du jour.

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Thanks… upon rereading that paragraph, I wish I would have used the word “real” a few more times. giggle I think it woulda made it really piognant.

I’m not feeling bad for ya… I’m glad there are people out there like you who want to have something real cough and meaningful while having fun, too… That’s great.

Also

YES! HA!

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Yeah, I guess so.

I don’t know what I was going off in the OP: I come in after work, pouring rain, soaked to the bone, didn’t have my eyeglasses on and vaguely recognized a fellow barfly and said almost blindly to this gal “Am I crowding you out if I grab this seat here?”

Ten minutes later I realized it was this woman whom I know or knew.

No, I’m not going to wear contact lenses: eyesight isn’t that bad.

Just one of those things.

No, I don’t have any deep concerns or questions about adult relationships in the sexual/romantic variety, but it was a slow-burning shock that never quite healed with scar tissue and all that.

The spoken agreement between her and me was just leave each other alone. Not a good match, and while I guess I’m pretty smart, they say, I guess, I don’t trust myself with emotional intelligence.

That said, it was a pleasant afternoon during an absolute downpour of heavy rain.

Got to shoot some pool with another buddy who showed up a bit later. So, you know, not a bad situation.

What do they call that in psychology, like “rumination,” I guess. Anyway, no big. More big is that I was surprised everything was chilled out.

The family has a lot of buffers!

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Maybe this thread has outlasted its natural length, but I’ll say my business and duck out.

The problem with this last woman (no, it’s not her problem: she’s OK and has her own business to TCB) from my perspective is that I just can’t deal with being friends or even just close acquaintances with her.

You know? I don’t much like to put things in gendered terms, but I just can’t deal with shooting pool, let’s say, this particular woman while she’s talking about getting plowed by some dude.

Yes, it’s a bit irrational, since there’s no problem having similar discussions in a similar context with various dudes. And, no, I’m not talking about some kind of fraternity “brothers” or something, just regular people one knows.

And, thinking a bit more about some closer friends at work, there is, when it comes to women (I happen to be a cis-het male, if it matters), we’ve come to an understanding so, it’s not a big deal. We can talk sex, or effing, or ex-spouses and all that, and it’s just fine.

However, once the “option” is on the table…no, not really. Can’t have it!

I suppose it’s a kind of competitiveness.

I think Monday on the way out of work me and this guy were (whom I’ve known for at least a few years…in fact, I think he might be gay, but that’s never come up during our lengthy geek discussions about music, except for this once where he jokingly implied he might have tried to plant his flag on [?] this woman at work) discussing this woman at work, not by name, and two of our mutual gal coworkers were getting stuff out of their lockers near the timeclock.

Of course, they had a big laugh among themselves, when they overheard us coming around the corner, and I insisted “George” (pseudonym) was high on drugs and they were just laughing at the spectacle of two dudes pretending they were tough and going to fight each other over this other woman.

Yeah, they had a good laugh, overhearing us going on like little children as in “I will fight you!” They both have children of their own, so it’s obviously a joke, and so forth. You know, “boys will be boys,” I guess. I’d never fight about something like that, and neither would he, but it’s just fun banter walking the 400m down to the breakroom, especially since neither of us are macho types and we know each other as coworkers for a few years.

But, both me and my male pal and our two mutual pals realized it’s just a farce. Obviously, no one’s going to fight a duel with pistols at sunrise, and both my gals know that’s not the situation, after having worked together for a few years.

Still funny, though.

One of the benefits of getting older? I guess. I mean, early-middle age and even veritable middle age. But, it’s a physical job, so it’s not the same as a bunch of crackheads with no teeth and faces that look like deflated basketballs scuffling on the street, you know. A little bit put-together, in decent shape, and everyone’s sharp in the brain for the shift. Well, some of we dudes can get away with not shaving for a few days, especially with the mask-wearing, but, you know, still presentable for blue-collar work, and with the right gear on.

/* ETA

That’s not entirely true, though. What do they call it, a “himbo” or something? Yes, I’d get in there in a hot minute, even though it’s a bad idea.

But emotions would get in the way, at least from my end, and my ego couldn’t handle being the “weak, mushy” part of a relationship.

A lot has been written and theorized about “female sexuality,” probably most of it wrong, but “male” sexuality, I guess, is just as complicated. I suspect there is a great deal of acculturation on both ends, and of course, I’m not complaining. Since, after all, we get to wear the trousers and also, I don’t think I’m a complete jerkhole unlike some groups or “groups,” but it is complicated.

No matter how much experience one has, or how suave one can be, or how many friends of all sorts one acquires.

It’s not rocket surgery, but it can be difficult to make clear delineations among one’s friends and acquaintances. I’d love to count J****ce among friends, but, like I told her, I just can’t do it!

Is there a better way I could have said it? I don’t know. Not verbatim, but I just told her “You’re too pretty, honey, and when I look in your eyes, I can’t do it anymore!”

And yet, I’m friends with at least a handful of very pulchritudinous woman. And many other women, and men as well, where there isn’t an imperative to eff. Not that it should matter: people can’t help it if they’re attractive to some gender or sex. That’s a further debate, having to do with grooming and hygiene, and I don’t particularly want to discuss the matter.

Different contexts, I guess.

And, frankly, if one has “planted one’s flag” somewhere…no, I’ll not continue, but it does contribute to personal histories and contexts.

I do hope this thread is not construed as offensive. I’m sure among someone it is, but I am trying to be concise, and as equitable as I can.

It’s not an easy topic, but I’m certain there’s a way to be humane and sensible without jerking back into a clinical language, which is equally distateful IMHO.

An important topic, IMHO, and there’s no reason to have any polemics or debates here. */

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Bah, political correctness is BS… yer words a fine, not offensive. Speaking one’s mind shouldn’t make one worry if others are offended in this case… it deals with feelings and personal preferences… that is not a case where pc should apply. You want what you want. Its ok to want those things and feel yr feels. Do it. Be you, and anyone whose offended can deal with that in their own mind and let it weigh them down… please don’t let it weigh you down. We all have too much going on in our own lives to be worried about our personal thoughts and sincere feelings offending others.

When I decide to get mad or offended about what someone else says, it is a burden I personally carry around, it doesn’t affect them, so I have opted (for the most part and when I am self-aware enough) to not do that. Also, I only really get offended if someone says something personally to me that really hits home, and when that happens, it helps me to understand that if what they said WASN’T true, then it really wouldn’t make me feel so averted to it… because when someone tries to offend me with words that are really just a projection of their own inadequecies or some way off comment about me, it just rolls right off my back. It has no power over me because I know who I am and what my faults are for the most part… If someone says something that offends me, I decide to look within and find that part of me that is trying to hide that truth from myself and grow from it.

We don’t need to get upset (I still struggle with this, but not as much as I once did) with others words, we only need to see the part in them that we, ourselves, reflect outwardly or inwardly and recitfy THOSE issues. We can try forever to change the world, but nothing around us will change until we really change what our inner self reflects outwardly.

Well, this got WAY more wordy than I planned, but I see a lot of words in your writing that reflects a hesitancy to just say what you think for fear of offending others. I understand it, but I also know that at some point that makes us stop being true to our Self and starts to allow the outer world to affect our inner self TOO much… It is stifling, causes anxiety (I have overcome a decades long battle with it as a former people pleaser. The funny thing is, since I stopped caring about what others think and started just saying and doing what I wanted as long as it was in the vein of a Selfless nature, I have just NATURALLY transformed into a person who just happens to please others, without all the anxiety), and ruins good nights of rest.

“Equitable” is one of those words that I just laugh at… we all need different things. Life gives us what it gives us. “You can make a mean hand outta whatcha been dealt” Those are 311 lyrics, I love em. Almost nobody gets what they want initially (seriously, even the richest person with all the material comforts may be lacking in emotional security and parental attention, cuz nobody ever did anything other than give him or her stuff), but we all have the opportunity to create a world around us that we DO want. Equitable… HA! We are the ones who put limits on our selves and we are the ones who decide to remove those limits. Society may put it in our minds, but we are the ones who accept them as truth and wallow in self-imposed oppresion, or reject them and see the vast and limitless possiblities this Universe really offers us when we are open to them.

Wave that freak flag! Wave it TWICE, @jimmy_two_times

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But three times is right out.

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If that’s how you want it, then YES! NO flying freak flags 3x…

BUTTTTTTT… it IS the magic number, so imma fly mine 3x. I’ll fightcha for it if you got a problem with it.

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Hey, man, sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand!

Or to quote some banter from ZZ Top’s “Backdoor Love Affair Medley” off Fandago: “I might not have no top to blow!” “When then you better blow what you got!”

No real meaning there, just enjoying some of the comments, particularly from @cg_angel: pretty smart!

/* I’d be remiss if I didn’t express gratitude for the forum leaders for putting up with my melodramatic little venting session.

Of course it’s no big deal, and I didn’t really to just keep making large bloggish posts, but just one of those little irritations and confusions that pop up in life every now and then.

Sounds corny, I do appreciate having been given a tiny little corner here. I always feel like I’m right on the edge of getting a nastygram from a forum admin/mod, not just here, but in general, so I’m glad things kept on a pretty even keel/Kiel.

Anyway, it’s all in the past now, so there’s not going to be no annoying weepy little screeds from me … for now! :laughing:

Just gotta keep on trucking. Like the doo-dah man! Trust the process!

You guys are all right! Peace out, everybody.

*/

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