Make A Movie End Faster....

… without killing anybody off. Yeah, Casablanca could’ve ended faster if Ilsa Lund had simply SHOT Rick dead for the letters of transit, but try and make it more of an organic plot-based thing.

Here’s mine. And it’s seasonally timely!

In It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence the Angel simply TELLS George Bailey what happened to the $8000. George Bailey goes to Mean Mr. Potter’s office and demands it back or he’s calling the cops. George fires Uncle Billy.

The End.

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Any sitcom: “I’m sorry, I broke the vase.”

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“Dude, your car is over there.”

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R2: “Beep-Beep-Squeak-Squawk-Beep.”
Luke: “What’s he saying?”
C-3PO: “He says the girl in the video is your twin sister, Leia, who was just captured by Darth Vader, who is actually your father, Anakin Skywalker, a Jedi Knight who was once thought to be the chosen one who would bring balance to the Force after he was found on this planet by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jin and his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi (the guy she’s asking for help in the video), but who instead ended up being turned to the Dark Side by Sheev Palpatine, a former Senator from your mother’s home planet who was secretly a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious, who orchestrated a war and the creation of a clone army in order to seize power, destroy the Jedi, and establish the Galactic Empire. Obi-Wan is also the one who brought you to this planet as a baby to hide you from your father as he hunted down and killed the remaining Jedi. And somehow your father never thought to look for you here, probably because he just hates sand so damn much. Your sister and your father are also both strong in the Force but apparently don’t recognize each other, and R2 has tried to tell her this a thousand times but she doesn’t understand Astromech droids. Oh, and he also says Anakin built ME when he was a child and that I’ve been present throughout this entire story and it’s incredibly frustrating that I don’t remember any of it.”
Luke: “…”
C-3PO: “He has been malfunctioning quite seriously since we were picked up by the Jawas, Master Luke. I wouldn’t pay him any mind.”
Luke: “Yeah, I’ll just be wiping both your memories then?”
C-3PO: “That would probably be for the best.”
— Cue soaring John Williams score and roll credits. —

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I’ve got a faster one-

“There goes another one.”
“Hold your fire, there’s no life forms. It must have short-circuited. Wait, actually, on second thought blow it up just in case.”

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But seriously, R2 and 3PO could’ve single-handedly cut the screentime of the franchise down by a whooooole lot if they’d just mentioned any of that to anyone. Dangit Lucas for including themnin your prequels and messing up the whole plot of the original trilogy 🥲😂

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Sheriff Brody does the right thing and closes the beach. The shark swims out to sea. Roll credits.

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“What’re we, paying by the laser?”

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“Rosebud… is a sled I used to own and it reminds me of my lost childhood innocence on the day of my dea-GAK”

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“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.” But said right at the beginning.

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“I’m ready to tell you my secret now.”
“Okay.”
“I see dead people.”
“In your dreams? While you’re awake? Dead people like, in graves? In coffins?”
“C’mon. You’re one of the dead people I’m talking about.”
“Oh. Huh. That explains a lot. Bye, then.”
“Bye.”

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“Single-serving friends. Clever. I wish I had thought of it.”
“You did. I’m you.”
“Wow, I’m messed up. Should I get help?”
“Yes. ASAP.”
“I’ll call my therapist first thing in the morning.”

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“The aliens are sending messages summoning people to the landing site at Devil’s Tower.” “We should bring them here so we can learn something.” “I agree.”

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Peg Boggs sits in the seat of her bright yellow car. Dejected, she weighs her options while idly tapping on the steering wheel.

Her eyes happen upon the old mansion at the edge of the neighborhood. She’s never tried that one. Ever. What was it they say? Nothing ventured, nothing gained? Maybe a fresh opportunity to boost her sales has been slipping past her simply because she assumed the house has been long abandoned.

“Erngh. No. That house is abandoned. Possibly haunted.”

Peg puts the car into drive and circles around to return home early. She never stumbles upon the automaton dwelling within the mansion, suffering from a severe lack of normal hands. The neighborhood continues on in its banal, “cookie cutter” status quo.

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“Uncle Ben, I thought about your advice, and you’re absolutely right. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately.”
“It’s alright, Peter. I know you’ve got stuff going on at the library, but how about we go get coffee together afterwards, spend a little time talking man to man?”
“Y’know what Uncle Ben? The library isn’t that important. Let’s just go now, together.”

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And then they passionately kiss. The end.

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“Wait, wait, wait … we’re only moving the headstones? Doesn’t that kind of suck?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Let’s move the bodies too.”

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Jeffrey doesn’t find an ear in a field

Bluuuuuue Velvet wah wah ooo

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Dancing is banned in this town? Finally, a place where I don’t need to dance well to get a girl and no one’ll see me trying to dance and call me a dork! Awesome!

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Shortly before the move, Andy’s parents get him an electronic game system. He stops playing with any of his toys, and neither Buzz nor Woody accompany him to Pizza Planet. They all remain packed away in a closet until his Mom donates them to Goodwill.

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