This would have worked… 
4 Likes
Bruce Willis saves the life of Marky Mark’s brother.
3 Likes
Short Circuit: Johnny-Five has a short circuit and falls down an open elevator shaft. In a false flag attack, the FBI destroy the surrounding building with improvised explosives.
Stripes: After having been beaten within an inch of his life during a surprise blanket party by his fellow inductees, Bill Murray’s character hangs himself. The remaining recruits become privates second-class on schedule and have rewarding but unremarkable experiences during their service.
1 Like
The judge realizes Nicolas Cage just protected Monica Potter from being assaulted and lets him go. His daughter has had a bunny since just a year or two after birth.
2 Likes
“Welcome to Jurassic Park!”
“How do you keep the dinosaurs from escaping?”
“We cut off their legs at birth.”
(Montage of various scenes of legless dinosaurs just laying on the ground and moaning.)
(Cut to Alan and Ellie in their room at the Visitor’s Center, laying in bed wide awake, the sounds of moans filling the air.)
“This place isn’t as fun as I thought it’d be.”
Bonus:
“Gandalf, you take the ring!”
“Okay.”
(Credits)
4 Likes
Ferris Bueller: “What the hell! I’ll suffer one more period of Ben Stein’s boring voice.”
5 Likes
The Year Without a Santa Claus
Santa: “I’m feeling tired. i’m gonna take the day off from work.”
Mrs Claus: “Okay, mind if I wear your suit and make the rounds?”
Santa: “Whatever works, the writers don’t give a flying ****, and neither do I.”
Elves: “Hooray, Christmas is saved!”
THE END
The Miser Brothers: “Hey, what about us!?”
3 Likes
The Aristocats
Madame: “So George, I wish to write out my will.”
George: “Very well, who are the beneficiaries?”
Madame: “Well, I have no living relatives. My cats mean the world to me, but they need someone to look after them. And my faithful butler Edgar can do that. I think I’ll will everything I have to him, so he can be able to properly care for them until they pass on.”
George: “But they’re family to you. Shouldn’t you just will everything to them first, and then when they pass on, Edgar gets everything?”
Madame: “Good Lord, George, have you gotten into the Sherry again? What a stupid thing to consider!”
George: “Very well, what you say goes.”
THE END
8 Likes
Camelot
Lancelot: Arthur, I think I’m in love with the queen.
Arthur: That’s okay, we swing.
The end
2 Likes
Superman (1978)
JOR-EL: You will travel far, my little Kal-El. But we will never leave you… even in the face of our death. The richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I’ve learned, everything I feel… all this, and more, I… I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father the son. This is all I… all I can send you, Kal-El.
Kal-El’s pod launches.
LARA: Didn’t you flunk out of the rocket propulsion lab at Krypton Tech?
JOR-EL: …
The pod travels in a 500-foot arc, thudding back against the surface of the planet, which promptly explodes.
THE END.
1 Like
Red Zone Cuba
Officer: “Oh, in case you do see him, his name is Griffin, and the reward is $5000.”
Two guys: “He’s over there!”
Griffin pulls out his gun, but the officer is faster. One headshot, and Griffin is down.
Guy one: “He trettened tah kill us if we tawked.”
Officer: “That sack of lard? I’m surprised he got this far. Well, follow me in to town, fellas. I’ll see you get paid.”
Guy one to two: “Mebbe ah luck’s toini ‘ around.”
THE END
2 Likes
Keep the ending. I can do that.
Mr. Freeling: “You built Cuesta Verde on a what?! And you want me to put up my family there? Hell with that, we’re holing up in a Holiday Inn till you find us something not-cursed.”
(Holiday Inn, that night)
Mr. Freeling: “Great, you kids broke the TV. I hope you’re happy.” (rolls broken TV out onto balcony)
3 Likes
June Talbot realizes that she’s overthinking the whole thing and opts to just poison her jerkbag husband’s evening cocktail.* Neal doesn’t love her, but she doesn’t care. With the family funds now solely in her control, she can shop around for unlimited booze-loving boy toys at her leisure.
[*ETA - So I don’t violate the OP’s rules, let’s say that he’s not killed from the poison. Just conveniently comatose. It may take everyone a while to notice, of course.]
2 Likes
“Hey guys, maybe we shouldn’t go to this very ominous and foreboding planet just because some funny waves are coming from it.”
Alien (1979)
4 Likes
Sure. Or if they just listened to Ripley when she said not to let Kane back in after the face hugger attack. But the Weyland-Yutani Corporation wasn’t about to let either happen.
4 Likes
Prince Akeem accepts his arranged wife.
1 Like
Gen. Hammond: “Hey, we found this big-ass ring in the Sahara with a bunch of symbols on it, and–”
SG Team (in unison): “BLOW IT UP.”