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I got a self-evaluation emailed to me at work and I was asked to train someone else to do my work in case I was out sick, so I’ve been having lots of irrational anxiety about getting fired. A good thing happened which made me think I won’t be fired, but I can’t help it. I wish I was in the up cycle of my BPD. That would really help a lot.
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My doc put me on a new med, which does help somewhat with the brain fog, but even splitting the child-sized dose in half, it’s causing insomnia. I’m told it gets better after a few weeks, so I’m trying to tough it out, but my mind is already fraying from sleep debt.
My best friend flies in today to visit for a few days. Been really looking forward to that. But I don’t know how loopy I’m going to be. But she’s having trouble sleeping this week, too, so… At least we’ll be loopy together?
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AJA, as an aspie I know it all too well. You’re not alone. Newly discovered edibles have given me hope, though, in a society of stupid people breeding.
Silver lining, I’m not an amputee, gosh darn you.
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But also, I think I just need to get this off my chest in a place where she isn't, so maybe I can stop thinking about it...
I have an unrequited crush on her. She knows it. It’s fine. I used to think of her as a sister until a friend said we’d make a good couple and that gave permission to the part of my feelings I’d been holding back with the sister label. I haven’t been able to put those feelings back in the box. I’m lonely, we love each other dearly as friends, and she’s gorgeous (even though she would vehemently disagree).
I usually keep it contained when we’re together. Just the occasional pang in my heart, wishing things could be a little different. But still just really happy to have her company. She’s a truly delightful human being. She’s finally in a stable and healthy relationship, and I’m really happy for her. She’s better off with him, and I know it.
But I’m worried that with sleep deprivation putting cracks in my emotional barriers it’s going to be harder than usual. Not that I’d try anything inappropriate. That would be very wrong and would ruin our friendship and anyway it’s not fun if she’s not enjoying it. I very much do not want to hurt her.
But the part of me that wishes things were different is probably going to be louder, and my filters are going to be weaker. It’s going to hurt more, and I’m worried that I might say too much. We’ve talked about it and appreciated each other’s honesty, but I don’t want to make things uncomfortable.
On the other side of things, she apparently sometimes gets a little amorous when she’s drunk even though she doesn’t mean anything by it. I don’t drink and I don’t think she’ll get drunk while she’s here. Nor did anything happen when we went out with friends and she did get drunk. (Although our conversation at the dinner table that night got pretty blue, and the maitre d kept coming over to politely check on us. But it was a group discussion, nothing personal.) But if she did drink a little too much, or if her lack of sleep had a similar effect, and she did try something… I’m pretty sure I’d say no, but it would hurt. Probably not going to happen. Hasn’t yet, and we’ve known each other for 6 years.
Like I said… I just needed to get this out somewhere. I’m struggling to keep my brain on track. I’m hoping writing it out will help get these thoughts, feelings, and worries to stop going in circles around the back of my head.
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Switching to a new medication for depressive disorder. Have been falling asleep on the couch midafternoon, bluetooth audio connected to a TV playing the entire series from the beginning since a couple of weeks ago. Also been spending some nights letting it play in my ear as I sleep. Look, depression is weird.
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I’m going through the process of trying to figure out if my problem is anxiety, ADHD, or both. My appointment to find out the results is in 21 hours. This is all I can think about and thinking about it is quickly becoming the only thing I can do today. I can’t shake the fear that I’ll be told I’m fine and just need to suck it up. I thought sharing might relieve some tension. Thank you!
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No non-dickweed will ever tell you to just suck it up in a medical context! 
Getting my actual diagnosis correct was a huge corner-turning moment in improving my own mental health - my efforts go much further now that I’m solving the right problem. I hope it works out the same way for you, and I hope the hours between now and tomorrow pass quickly.
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It could also be neither, which, while not providing a path for treatment, at least rules out what it isn’t. Which is helpful(ish).
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I also considered that, and like you said, even that would be helpful. I know I need a better idea of what’s going on. CBT worked well on some stuff but there’s other stuff that steamrolls right over those skills. 15 years of medication seemed to complicate things rather than help them, so what’s going on there also. At any rate, 9am can’t come fast enough. I’m gonna put on some favorite episodes and scroll around here. 
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There’s nothing like a deadline for something you think will be stressful for those of us prone to anxiety, right? As I said above, I had a performance review coming up and I was practically panicking. It went over fine, which I logically knew it would, but emotionally I was convinced I was going to get fired. It sucks. Anyway, good luck tomorrow.
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Alright. It’s both, which I highly suspected, but I have details and understanding that I didn’t have before. I now have a way better idea of what to do and why it’s in my best interest to do them because of actual, for real data that he collected and explained to me. Thank you guys, again, for understanding and perspective. Overdrawn at the Memory Bank seems like appropriate viewing for today. 
Come as you are to my mall, to my atrium! Yeah, yeah!
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So my anxiety levels are through the roof right now. My daughter has like two friends in her middle school and one she’s close with. The other week, she told me that the girl she’s close with is now her girlfriend. I’m absolutely cool with that, and happy for her, but I am really terrified of two things- one, that they break up and my daughter will have no friends at all (which happened to her in fourth grade for other reasons) or, worse, from what I can gather, the girl’s parents are evangelical Christians, and strict ones (they only let her stay at our house for 2 hours on a weekend and they used to homeschool), and I’m really worried they’ll find out and do something that will make both girls really upset.
I know this won’t be her only relationship, and she says she likes girls and boys (although girls more), so she has plenty of chances to find romance again, or what passes for it at her young age, but finding good friends is a whole other issue.
It doesn’t help that my daughter can be really shy and closed off. It’s clear a lot of kids like her, but she won’t let them in.
So I keep getting minor anxiety attacks where I imagine her coming home in tears. The last time in fourth grade, she ended up typing “I want to die” on her school computer and they put her on a psych hold. She’s in therapy now, and on medication for ADHD, so that has helped her some, but I am so worried about her all the time.
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Have you thought of getting her some counseling/therapy? I know that there are some very talented therapists out there that can help her with her shyness (speaking from experience on this one) and any other issues that may pop up! 
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She is in therapy.
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Ahh good, that should help. I mean middle school sucked (at least for me) and I survived (barely) lol. Are there any activities, after school or outside of school, where she could meet new folks? As a complete and utter “undesirable” in my early years, I know that I wasn’t shaking my “rep” in my little stupid town. But I was able to go out to other nearby towns (where my reputation, or lack thereof, hadn’t preceded me and was able to actually meet friends and more-than-friends that had no pre-judgement of me, and that helped a ton with self-esteem and getting thru the 
-show that was middle school & high school. =)
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I’ve tried so hard to get her to do them but she just won’t. Even ones she used to be interested in like Girl Scouts and Rock and Roll camp she quit. My last hope, and I keep meaning to make the time to do it, is to take her to the local gaming store and see if they can help me find a group for her to play D&D or something with, but I’m not too hopeful that they’ll help.
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If she’s into it, that could be fun! I just started my first game and I have no idea wtf I’m doing…lol.
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I did it all the time when I was younger and I did it online with friends during the height of COVID. I think she’d really enjoy it if I could find her a group, but finding her a group is the problem.
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I don’t have kids of my own, but I would think the anxiety over watching them suffer and not being able to do anything about it must be just about the hardest part. The thing is, there are life lessons for her to learn here: If you date a close friend and then break up it double-sucks; it’s important to spread out your social investment a little no matter how compelling one relationship might be at the moment, etc. And it’s normal and healthy for her to learn them the way all we did, the hard way.
But you want her to learn the lessons, not be crushed by them, as you say. It must be scary for all of you to remember the “I want to die” incident. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of work since then into helping her build up the resources (meds, therapy, plus reinforcing that family is in her corner and accessible if she wants help) to handle these challenges and heartbreaks when they come along. Hopefully she’ll come out the other side wiser.
Still, easy for me to say, I know. Don’t forget to look after your own mental health too - if your anxiety is well-managed, you’ll be in a better position to help her.
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