Movies that should never, EVER be remade

Of course. OF COURSE.

I guess can live with this, as it’s at least one medium removed from the original. I saw Spamalot; it was good fun but it was no Holy Grail. As long as we’re all clear it’s a Spamalot movie and not a new Holy Grail movie.

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Akira.

The rights to do a live action remake, and talks about moving forward, go all the way back to 2002. Thankfully, they’ve failed each and every time. So far.

There’s a “lost in translation” thing that happens whenever fat cat American movie producers get it in their heads to… let’s say “appropriate”… Japanese cinema and storytelling. It happens constantly – Ringu and Ju-On rely on a fear of superstition and extra sensory phenomena which doesn’t track here in the West so just make them about sp0oky ghosts; Ghost in the Shell put forward questions about what constitutes as life and what remains of humanity when we allow technology to strip it away but let’s fill theater seats with a story about a badass woman instead and make it visually stunning because what was Ghost in the Shell about anyway?

Besides, Akira takes place in 2019, as the Tokyo Olympics are around the corner. Those have both already happened. It’s weird how art imitates life imitates art.

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I really enjoyed Spamalot, though it was a bit much when Horm(e)l actually sanctioned a tie-in. I think Monty Python had long since become mainstream rather than niche, which is how it became a musical in the first place.

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Spamalot is mostly rooted in Eric Idle’s deep and abiding love of his bank account*. That the show turned out to be so entertaining is just a collateral bonus.

*And I say good luck to him! He and his friends brought us so much joy over the years, so why shouldn’t they earn a bit more than just goodwill?

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I guess… I have a couple of options. I can figure that the concept changed beyond recognition to woo many people who’d otherwise avoid it.

Or, I can figure that the original concepts were around long enough so that only superficial elements had to change. The core ideas were still there, and most people were responding to them because they’d already been part of the cultural landscape for such a long time.

To paraphrase an artist I used to know: I’d rather not hug certain things so hard that I end up throttling them by mistake.

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I’ll take a movie universe over a TV universe. I don’t like either, but I used to watch a couple of the CW DC superhero shows, but then they all started crossing over with each other and even doing major crossover events which featured characters in shows I didn’t watch and it got too hard to keep track of it. I don’t have time to watch seven different superhero shows just to understand what’s going on.

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The original was based on a novel by Philip K Dick, We Can Remember It for You Wholesale. But like, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep becoming Blade Runner, it only kept some names and themes.
The remake of Total Recall was weird as it was mostly based on the movie but pulled in some things from the novel.
Fun Fact, We Can Remember It for You Wholesale got turned into a movie and then the movie was turned into a book named Total Recall. One of the few times that has happened that I am aware of.

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This is what killed the joys of reading the comics for some fans, too. Even before TV adopted endless crossovers as a model.

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Labyrinth.

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Movies that should never, EVER be remade: Stella Dallas, The Women, Psycho, Halloween, Akira, The Birds, West Side Story, Little Shop of Horrors (either), My Fair Lady, All Of Me—

—Wait, what?

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Last I checked, there’s still that full anime adaptation of Akira that’s happening.

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Wouldn’t Spamalot technically be more of an adaptation, since it’s jumping from theatre to film, in this case?

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You forgot A Star Is Born and Beau Geste.

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Yes indeed. I’ve read most of Dick’s oeuvre, very much a fan. My favorites are some of the lesser known titles, like A Maze Of Death and The Cosmic Puppets. Very few of his works have been straight adaptations. He is challenging to adapt to a narrative format. Maybe not as much as, say, Burroughs, but it still takes work and requires compromise.

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No, I’m fine if they remake those, so long as they only remake them twice. Three’s my hard limit.

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Clue.

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Mentally corrects himself “He means William S. not Edgar Rice…”

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That television series that was lightly mentioned right before the pandemic? Otomo’s involved in that so I dunno if that constitutes a “remake”. He’s made everything in the franchise.

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The Maltese Falcon and Casablanca. Oddly, The Maltese Falcon was a remake, but the unusual improvement on the earlier versions.

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Blade Runner. Someone other than Rutger Hauer trying to portray Roy Batty? No, just no. I will say that I was surprised at myself for enjoying Blade Runner 2049, though. Somehow the film managed to live in the same universe without spoiling the original (for me, at least. YMMV)

Also, no remakes of Alien. In fact, I could be totally happy with seeing an end to Alien sequels as well. Aliens was great, but it has been downhill ever since, and Scott’s obsession with trying to link the Alien and Blade Runner universes is just self-indulgent.

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