Punchlines Only, Please

Off Topic!!!
81

“Why the long face?”

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82

So if he couldn’t come, he’d call.

INTERRUPTING COW WHO?!

Five. One to hold the kettle, and four to shake the stove.

The Rottweiler. The Golden Retriever will stop to ask for directions.

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83

Data (to Geordi): During the Farpoint mission; we were on the bridge, you told a joke, that was the punchline!

— Star Trek: Generations (1994).

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84

“You’d do it for Randolph Scott.”

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85

“Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

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86

‘Randolph Scott!!’

‘But we don’t want the Irish!’

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87

“Because the light was on.”

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88

Well I didn’t say it was a KOALA bear!

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89

“Run like crazy! He’s got a hand-grenade in his mouth!”

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90

Either way, somebody’s losing a trailer.

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91

Ole sticks his chest out defiantly and tells Lena, “If you can be a sour puss, I can be a dictator!”

(Credit for both of these go to my friend in St. Cloud, MN who told them to me years ago)

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92

“What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was halfway across!”

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93

Ole shakes his head and exclaims, “Lena, it was awful! All night she kept pulling and twisting and pulling and twisting my ears!”

(Credit for both of these go to my friend in St. Cloud, MN who told them to me years ago)

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94

so i says, if that’s you’re coffee there, what the heck have you been drinking til now?

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95

I mean there’s the obvious:

“THE ARISTOCRATS!”

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96

Yes, #24 in this thread.

Also, #3 in a different but similar thread:

Also mentioned in context with Gottfried’s death:

And then again in the comics thread:

Also, twice in the Beyond Atlantis threads for some resaon:

https://forums.mst3k.com/t/i-feel-a-trigger-warning-is-needed-for-beyond-atlantis-sexual-themes-exploitation/23258/231

I have no idea what any of this means but I feel it may have to do with the End Of Times.

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97

“Well, you know what they say: You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think!”

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98

Per the late, great, Henny Youngman:

  • “I said, ‘Try the kitchen!’”
  • “Here, King. Here, King!”
  • “So we both stayed home.”
  • “Believe it or not, I’m waiting for a train.”
  • “All right, I’ll mug you right here.”
  • “Well, you did it last week!”
  • “If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”
  • “Take my wife… please.”

The funniest thing is that Henny Youngman was to his wife as Jack Benny was to money; it was strictly a stage persona.

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99

“You’re just never here when it happens!”

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100

Oh no, well she wasn’t supposed to be home.

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