Single Random Falsehoods

Pasta and antipasto do the same thing

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If you keep bees in strawberry fields they’ll make jam instead of honey.

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It’s not true that Coca-Cola is made with cocaine.

It’s made with fentanyl.

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Modern electronics are actually a result of studying an alien spacecraft that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico — but not in the way claimed by conspiracy theorists. In order to study the incredibly advanced alien technology, scientists and engineers in the early 1950s needed to develop new tools and instruments. But first they needed to design more tools and instruments so that those tools could be built, and those tools couldn’t be built without even more tools, and so on and so forth.

Decades later, the entire research and development tree had been clandestinely completed through a wide variety of shell companies (Texas Instruments, Intel, Xerox, Motorola, Hewlett Packard, DEC, IBM, Honeywell, NCR, etc.), finally enabling the constuction of the instruments required to examine the alien technology in detail — at which point it was determined that the spacecraft was actually a cheaply built communications satellite, and the tools being used to examine it were superior in every way.

Elon Musk is rumored to have purchased the remains of the alien device a few years ago to use its design as the basis for some kind of world-wide satellite Internet service.

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And they’ll do it forever.

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White dot was actually the MST3K moon logo streaking for the live event. The logo has subsequently been fired and replaced with a clone.

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Stupid regulators…

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Rutherford B. Hayes was the first American president to keep a pet duckbill platypus in the White House. He named the duckyplat Eustace.

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The reason no one has ever captured a Bigfoot is that they are Boojums, and anyone who gets too close to one softly and silently vanishes away and never is met with again.

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Statistically speaking, over the course of their lives, Capricorns are the most likely to experience ketchup stains.

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This was then honored in Courage the Cowardly Dog. Eustace the platypus was known for having a very bad temper after all.

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Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you’d never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you’d love him anyway, oh

Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I’m telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart
And show it to you right before you died
Everyday he’d make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene

The ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya

Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings
As a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles
Then any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building
And he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn’t even hurt

Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I’ve seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He’d bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn’t treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman’s cape
But Lord knows you don’t mess around with CNR

No, no, no
Talkin’ about CNR

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Atlanta is east of Detroit

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Thus reads Charles Nelson Reilly’s epitaph.

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If you crash into a pizza delivery driver while they are making a delivery, you get to eat the pizza they have in the vehicle. For free.

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That’s also true for armored car drivers. You can have anything in there for free.

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grammy awards 61st grammys GIF by Recording Academy / GRAMMYs

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“Husker du” is Danish for “inquiring about the rightful ownership of this skerdu”.

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Ted Cruz is beloved by all Texans and cannot walk down the street without being mobbed by smiling hordes of singing children.

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