So bad it’s…bad

What’s a cheesy movie you watched expecting it to be corny and riffable but instead it ended up being just plain painful? For me it was Cats (2019)

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I think that would be ‘Death Bed: The Bed That Eats’… And I really tried hard to enjoy it for how bad it was…

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For me, the single worst movie I have ever watched is “Maradonia and the Shadow Empire” (IMDb), directed by Gloria & Gerry Tesch.

Screener

I feel a little dirty even bringing it here. The back story behind this is that the creator of the world of Maradonia (Wish.com Narnia), put together a novel when she was 13. It reads like it was hatched from a 13-year-old’s mind, but her parents - specifically her father - hailed her as being a prodigy like Christopher Paolini. They used their considerable fortune to self-publish and promote Gloria’s works, calling her the “world’s youngest novelist”, so she never enhanced her craft, but instead started pedaling out book after book.

She eventually decided that she desired to be a filmmaker, so her parents put hundreds of thousands of dollars - their life savings - into the unfortunate video link I left above. In fact, they took out a mortgage on their house. But, because of having no knowledge when it comes to film, in addition to it being based on an average adolescent’s daydream, the film turned out exactly how you’d imagine it to be-- but worse. Gerry tried selling it at AFM, to no avail. With everything lost, the family split up and unfortunately, Gerry passed away.

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Oh gosh that’s….that’s just plain depressing :sweat_smile:. It’s one thing to publish a lousy book but dumping money into a lousy movie ruins you. I don’t think I could even make fun of a bad film like that, knowing the circumstances

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This is a film I had only heard of because of the old Patton Oswalt bit about it.

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I realize if I tried to watch Jesse Ventura’s “Abraxas” post discovering MST3k I could possibly find that it’s immensely riffable… but boy, when it came out I sure couldn’t finish it.

I don’t know if I’m brave enough to go back.

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I’m confident others may disagree, because I’ve seen it on a few “please riff” lists, but for me it’s Convoy (1978). I went in expecting it to be campy/cheesy, but it was generally just boring. Admittedly, I couldn’t make it through after about the first hour, and I hear there are some redeeming scenes at the end. I guess I just expected more from a movie based on a novelty country western hit.

I’ve been wrong about what makes a good riffing movie though, and thinking about it while writing this, I can see some potential for it to be saved by a good riffing.

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Had a similar experience with Cats 2019. Look, I love musical theater, but that was an experience that even seeing it with a group of friends couldn’t fix. Came out of the theater dazed and confused.

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Yeah the stage show isn’t my favorite but I can appreciate it. The movie though…. My friends and I worked up the courage for it a few months back cuz it was on our Bad Movie List. It legitimately left us speechless. We couldn’t even muster the coherency to make fun of it. I’m pretty sure it gave me a stroke cuz I’m certain half my brain cells just shut right down.

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Silent Night Deadly Night 2… For the first hour, half of the movie is just footage from the first movie, and the other half is a guy doing some heavy duty “eyebrow acting” in a mostly empty room.

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I started the recent film Army of the Dead expecting mindless fun with a riffability factor. But it is so empty and predictable and zero-dimensional that it should have the Asylum films logo at the start. I couldn’t even finish it.

And I had hopes that The Nightingale would be a good film, but it seems intent on emotionally breaking both the protagonist and the viewer in the first half hour. Another one I had to turn off.

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There’s an LGBTQ film called Ben & Arthur from, I want to say 2002, which is the worst thing I’ve ever, EVER seen.

It gets compared to The Room a lot, but at least Tommy WIseau had money to hire people behind the camera who generally knew what they were doing. The whole exercise is just…bizarre.

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Cowboys vs Dinosaurs nearly reached that level. It had a few moments that passed as fun but… wow.
(https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3252786/)

I’ll stick to feeling uncomfortable and talking through Netflix Christmas films.

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Copra1986album

Just off top of the head, I had higher hopes for hilarity at Cobra, but, no.

Some that is riffable, like on seeing ‘Cobra’ Cobretti’s car, “Looks like the Cobra isn’t doing so well for himself!”

It’s more Jeepers Creepers II than Jeepers Creepers though.

A lot of suffering in a small room, though.

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Another vote for Cats, but I’d also like to add the version of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band featuring the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. I saw it at a free pizza and movie night at a bar, alongside The Apple. Both were unwatchable, but The Apple, you could make jokes about. Sgt. Pepper’s is just bad, bad, bad.

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The only movie I ever walked out on was Johnny Mnemonic. I have no desire to know how it ends.

Then I had to sit through The Flintstones Movie. The live action one with John Goodman. I wanted to slit my wrists.

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There are people who would say that MANOS is a pretty incompetent movie, and they’re right. There are people who say MONSTER A GO-GO is terrible, and they’d be right.

But I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie as wall to wall incompetent as THINGS. That movie was confounding in its terribleness.

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I’m not a violent man but after getting out of the theater, I really wanted to punch something after seeing the hateful, ugly gross-out comedy Slackers (not to be confused with Richard Linklater’s Slacker, a movie I’ve never seen).

I was upset because I really liked Jason Shwartzman but I didn’t even realize Jason Segel, whom I genuinely like, was in this movie.

The Rifftrax treatment of it is all right. Not spectacular, but all right.

Suffice it to say that there’s a dolphin involved.

I wish I were kidding, but I’m not.

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