Tell Us Your Favorite Joke!

Off Topic!!!
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Tell us your favorite jokes! This is mine. My dad told me this when I was a teenager and I still love it:

This guy was having really bad stomach problems. After a couple days of barely being able to leave his bathroom, he gets it together just long enough to head down to the emergency room. The doctors have a look at him and decide it’s best that he stays a few days for observation. They get him up to a room, give him something to settle his stomach and he finally gets a good night’s sleep.

He wakes up the next morning feeling a lot better but notices his room smells like poop. He lifts the covers and is horrified to discover he’s had a bowel movement in the bed. He was mortified. He jumps out of bed, goes into the bathroom to clean himself up, comes out and finds a new gown in the cupboard, puts it on and tosses the soiled one on his bed. The sheets are also soiled and completely ruined. He thinks of throwing them in the garbage but that wouldn’t get rid of the smell. He looks around the room in a panic and finds that his window opens. So he bundles up the gown and the sheets into a ball and chucks it out the window.

Just then this scruffy guy is walking past the hospital minding his own business when this bundle of sheets falls on his head. So he starts shouting and swearing and thrashing around, absolutely fighting for his life. He finally pulls it off his head, throws it all to the ground and stomps on it a few times for good measure. A police officer had been watching this all go down from across the street and comes running over.

“What the hell is going on?!” said the cop.

The scruffy guy catches his breath and said, “I dunno, but I just beat the crap out of this ghost!”.

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Q. Why don’t lawyers like to sunbathe on the beach?

A: Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

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My favorite joke comes from the credits of Sim City 2000. A friend told me to watch the credits because this was before any of us had access to the internet.

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, “gimme a drink” and the bartender says “I’m sorry but we don’t serve strings here.”

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bartender, “'scuse me sir, could I please have a drink sir, if it’s not too much trouble?” And the bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here, get out.”

So the third string goes into the bathroom, bends himself into a loop, and messes up his hair. He walks up to the bartender, and the bartender says “excuse me, but aren’t you a string?”

And the string replies, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”

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I love that joke. (I don’t know where Sim City got it but I learned it in college in the early 90s.)

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Q: How do you call a duck?

A: You say, “C’mere duck!”

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Okay but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
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(I warned you :grin:)

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Did you know Norwegian ships have barcodes on the hull? It’s how they Scan-de-navy-in

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Jesus said to his disciples "Come forth and enter the kingdom ". Peter came fifth and won a toaster

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My dad told me this joke (I took a few liberties):

A man goes to a little village in Spain on vacation. He goes to the local cafe and says to the waiter, “bring me the traditional dish of your village.” The waiter goes away obligingly and comes back a few minutes later with two giant dumplings. The man eats them and they’re delicious! He absolutely loves them! So, he calls the waiter over and says, “waiter, those dumplings! What are they made of? I have to know!”

And the waiter replies, “well signor, when we have the bullfight, we give the most honored guest in the village the testicles of the bull after he is killed by the matador.”

At first, the man is disgusted, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that it was so delicious that he had to try it again. So the next night, he goes back and orders the same dish. The waiter is delighted that he enjoyed it and brings the same two giant dumplings.

Again, absolutely delicious. He can’t believe he’s never had bull testicles before because these things should be eaten every Friday night for family dinner! So he goes every day for the week he is there and every day he eats the giant bull testicles and is in culinary heaven.

Then, the last day comes. He says to the waiter, “this is my last day in your village and I do want to try some other food, but I just can’t help it! It’s too delicious! Please, I must have it again!”

So the waiter goes away and comes back with two small dumplings.

The man is perplexed, but he eats them anyway. And they’re still delicious, just like they had always been.

So he calls over the waiter and he says, “Excuse me. I don’t want to complain or anything. But I’ve been here every day this week as you know and every day I’ve ordered the same thing.”

“Our local delicacy, signor!”

“Right, your local delicacy. And I’m honored that you’re giving it to me, but I have to ask you- every time I’ve ordered it, the portions have been huge! Too huge really! I mean have you ever tried eating two bull testicles? They’re enormous! But this time… this time, they’re tiny. Like the originals were cabbages and these are Brussels sprouts. So I ask you, waiter, why is that?”

“Well, signor, sometimes, the bull wins.”

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Q) How do you turn a duck into a blues musician?

A) Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers

Q) What’s E.T. short for?

A) 'Cos he’s got wee legs.

Q) How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

A) You follow the fresh prints

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A guy goes into a bar and he sees a pirate with a little wheel sticking out of his pants.

“So what’s the wheel for,” asks the man.

“Arr, I don’t know,” says the pirate, “but it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

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Favorite joke I’ve heard on TV:

What do you call the postman after he’s lost his job?

Just some dude

The best joke I’ve come up with:
When I go to the grocery store, I always see kids in the carts, but never on the shelves.

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Me: Oh wow, that’s awful

Her: What’s awful?

Me: This guy was bludgeoned to death by a musical instrument in need of repair

Her: Oh gosh….wait….don’t you fricking say it…

Me: That’s right. He died from a broken harp

Her: I hate you

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My favorite joke is basically anything Steven Wright ever said.

“Some people are afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.”

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.”

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Here’s a knock-knock joke my daughter (age 4) made up:
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Pie.
Pie who?
SPLAT!

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I hope you’re ready for a science joke. :slight_smile:

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are riding in a car. Heisenberg is driving. A cop comes up behind them and flashes his lights, pulling them over. The cop walked to the driver’s side window.

“Do you know how fast you were going?” he asked.

Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

The cop says, “You were going 55 in a 25 mph zone.”

Heisenberg exclaims, “Great! Now, I’m lost!”

Very suspicious by this behavior, the cop asks them to pop the trunk. He goes back to check it and calls out.

“Hey, did you know you have a dead cat back here?”

Schrodinger, with a voice full of frustration shouts back, “We do, now!”

Confused and irritated, the cop decides to take them in to the station.

Ohm resists.

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Alright that deserves another knock knock joke in return.

I apologize in advance, it works much better verbally than written down.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interupting co–
MOOOOO

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This joke is fantastic :clap:

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Now that I’ve done the best joke I know, I’ll get to my usual level of humor.

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone… when suddenly it dawned on me.

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