Those commercials go like: “I have a structured settlement and I need cash now. Call J.G. Wentworth. 877 cash now.” Boiled down, that’s:
- Something I own but can’t access
- Something I need that’s related
- Phone number
I wondered if that could be a goldmine of riffs. Especially if you keep the same cadence as the song in the commercial and sing it.
For example: “I have a giant mansion but I have no keys. Call up the lock smith. 877-locked house.”
What do you think, sirs? Goldmine. Or, just shaft?
Bonus points for the Jerry Reed reference.
I know that Deaney shot him
But I can’t prove it
Call Martin Balsam
877 Plot B
When you need a pizza
But the Master’s not home
Call Torgo’s Pizza
I am a Teenager From Space and I need Giant Lobsters now. Call Thor. 877-GARGONS-NOW.
I have an Atomic Hearing Aid and I need cash now. Call W.W.O. Batwoman. 877-THATS-NOT-CHINESE.
I have a stolen scroll and I need bikini girls now. Call D. Pringle. 877-CREEPY-GIRL.
The music’s inside me, but I lack an instrument. If only an androgynous man would come and visit meeeeee. 877-MISTER B
I have a time-traveling plane.
I need and R&D grant.
Call Pink Boy.
A pod person attacked us
and we need help now
call the ranger
877-- oh wait the phone’s out
Party Beach isn’t fun anymore
and we need to stop a radioactive monster!
Call Dr. Gavin:
We’re recording a hit single
But I’m worried about the quality
Call a major dickweed
They used to have fun commercials
Where they sang a fun song
But now they’re boring
I have a structured settlement
But your song is gone
I’ll call someone else
Well now there’s a singing commercial 877-SELL-EASY. I suppose the easy riff is “Call 877-SMELL-CHEESY” and you might need a context for any other riffs to work and then they’d only work with the people around you experiencing the context. Like if you work for Kanye West and something happens, you could say “877-TELL-YEEZY” and have your fellow westworkers rolling in the aisles.
You need a Teen Heartthrob,
But Kurt Russell costs more.
Call Arch Hall Jr,
Well, J.G. seems to have started up with the singing commercials again. Maybe the boring ones weren’t working. I couldn’t imagine why. But, now there’s a QR code. So modern. I wonder what website will come up if you scanned it. Probably the JGW website – but that’s no fun! Let’s add a potential QR code destination to our newly reinspired lyrics riffing.
I have a brand new QR code
And I need clicks now
Call QR Code Warehouse
and the QR code takes you to a Qanon vs Rashomon fanfic forum where both sides are really passionate about who would win in a fight between those two entities.