Wentworthian riffs

Those commercials go like: “I have a structured settlement and I need cash now. Call J.G. Wentworth. 877 cash now.” Boiled down, that’s:

  1. Something I own but can’t access
  2. Something I need that’s related
  3. Solution
  4. Phone number

I wondered if that could be a goldmine of riffs. Especially if you keep the same cadence as the song in the commercial and sing it.

For example: “I have a giant mansion but I have no keys. Call up the lock smith. 877-locked house.”

What do you think, sirs? Goldmine. Or, just shaft?

7 Likes

Bonus points for the Jerry Reed reference.

4 Likes

I know that Deaney shot him
But I can’t prove it
Call Martin Balsam
877 Plot B

4 Likes

When you need a pizza
But the Master’s not home
Call Torgo’s Pizza
877-MAN-NOOS

9 Likes

I am a Teenager From Space and I need Giant Lobsters now. Call Thor. 877-GARGONS-NOW.

4 Likes

I have an Atomic Hearing Aid and I need cash now. Call W.W.O. Batwoman. 877-THATS-NOT-CHINESE.

4 Likes

I have a stolen scroll and I need bikini girls now. Call D. Pringle. 877-CREEPY-GIRL.

3 Likes

The music’s inside me, but I lack an instrument. If only an androgynous man would come and visit meeeeee. 877-MISTER B

4 Likes

I have a time-traveling plane.
I need and R&D grant.
Call Pink Boy.
877-THE STAR

3 Likes

A pod person attacked us
and we need help now
call the ranger
877-- oh wait the phone’s out

3 Likes

Party Beach isn’t fun anymore
and we need to stop a radioactive monster!
Call Dr. Gavin:
555-SODIUM

2 Likes

We’re recording a hit single
But I’m worried about the quality
Call a major dickweed
877-IT-STINKS

4 Likes

They used to have fun commercials
Where they sang a fun song
But now they’re boring
877-NO-SONG

2 Likes

I have a structured settlement
But your song is gone
I’ll call someone else
877-I’M-BITTER