Those commercials go like: “I have a structured settlement and I need cash now. Call J.G. Wentworth. 877 cash now.” Boiled down, that’s:
- Something I own but can’t access
- Something I need that’s related
- Phone number
I wondered if that could be a goldmine of riffs. Especially if you keep the same cadence as the song in the commercial and sing it.
For example: “I have a giant mansion but I have no keys. Call up the lock smith. 877-locked house.”
What do you think, sirs? Goldmine. Or, just shaft?
Bonus points for the Jerry Reed reference.
I know that Deaney shot him
But I can’t prove it
Call Martin Balsam
877 Plot B
When you need a pizza
But the Master’s not home
Call Torgo’s Pizza
I am a Teenager From Space and I need Giant Lobsters now. Call Thor. 877-GARGONS-NOW.
I have an Atomic Hearing Aid and I need cash now. Call W.W.O. Batwoman. 877-THATS-NOT-CHINESE.
I have a stolen scroll and I need bikini girls now. Call D. Pringle. 877-CREEPY-GIRL.
The music’s inside me, but I lack an instrument. If only an androgynous man would come and visit meeeeee. 877-MISTER B
I have a time-traveling plane.
I need and R&D grant.
Call Pink Boy.
A pod person attacked us
and we need help now
call the ranger
877-- oh wait the phone’s out
Party Beach isn’t fun anymore
and we need to stop a radioactive monster!
Call Dr. Gavin:
We’re recording a hit single
But I’m worried about the quality
Call a major dickweed
They used to have fun commercials
Where they sang a fun song
But now they’re boring
I have a structured settlement
But your song is gone
I’ll call someone else