Which Witch (or Wizard) is best?

I have to make a controversial choice and say Caedmon of Ogg, Wizard Emeritus. Sure, he set his own butt on fire, but he somehow got Tyor from conjuring poultry to controlling pig demons and eggy weggying his sheggy meggles in record time without textbooks to lean on.

5 Likes

Was Ernest Borgnine a wizard or was he just wizard-adjacent?

2 Likes

He’s the subject of a George Carlin joke.

2 Likes

He was a screenwriter, the wizards of Hollywood whose magic brings us miracles like Showgirls and The Emoji Movie. Wizened gods, all.

4 Likes

I’m going to go totally obscure here and say Jarek from Deathstalker 2 from the Live Tour.

  1. Unlike most wizards, he has a sense of humor and a fondness for puns. I think we’d get famously.

  2. He’s an accomplished swordsman and wizard, so he could teach me magic and fighting.

  3. Health plan. Granting that he does have an unfortunate tendency to kill his followers while practicing swordplay, he was also shown to be capable of bringing them back from the dead. And whatever process he did to do this didn’t leave the henchmen as soulless thralls, given SUltana was able to abandon him in the final battle after he brought her back to life. Given Jarek was shown to be savvy about not wasting his resources in other areas, I contend he was probably resurrecting all the henchmen he killed. (This might also explain why we saw the same henchmen later in the final battle.)

  4. Equal Opportunity Employer - despite being a nominal villain, his armies of darkness employed non-humans and dwarves. Compare that to the crowd attending Evie’s coronation in the final scene which looks awfully human-centric.

  5. Not That Bad A Bad Guy - Okay, granting that he DID create an evil succubus clone of the local princess and install her as a puppet ruler, forcing the real princess to go into hiding and searching for a hero to help her retake the kingdom (Or princessdom?)Nothing was said about Evie’s parents in all this.) he seemed to be a far better ruler than Evie, who - it has to be said - wasn’t a great oracle and a good argument against hereditary power. The only people who had bad things to say about the way the land was being run under his reign were the amazons and that was only because the vampire princess was killing their men.

2 Likes

So, 2 of my top 5 all time favorite/most watched episodes are Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell, and Wizards of the Lost Kingdom I.

Interestingly enough, the lead bad guy in both movies is a wizard played by Thom Christopher; Troxartas and Shurka, respectively. Both times he is all powerful, gets the hot queen, gets the kingdom, and woulda had it all if it weren’t for those meddling do-gooders. All this while being so very bald! Please sir, teach me your ways…

5 Likes

You put. The beats. In your own script. And you stick. With them!

1 Like

Caveman Eggnog?

1 Like

wish i could watch it again

1 Like

I’m also going with Baba Yaga. I think I can handle being polite, and I’m smart enough to not get tricked into sitting on a shovel. I bet mortar and pestle based transportation is worth the risk in fuel savings alone. There might be a downside to owning a house with chicken legs, but I can’t really see one. I think I’ll skip her pelmeni though. It’s probably made of rude, stupid children.

2 Likes

I’d learn the Black Arts from Satan, Prince of Cabaret, from “The Undead”

3 Likes