I’m sending good thoughts your way! As the wife of a family law lawyer, I’ve picked up enough to understand that you might want to start reaching out to a trusted attorney. It could help with complications.
7 Likes
Just checking in on you, I’m sure it’s been a difficult weekend. Hope you and your dad have been able to rest.
8 Likes
Barely. Thank you for caring. We got an email from her saying she’s basically withdrawing from the world, that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anybody, she can’t live with anybody ever again, she basically just wants to live in a hovel alone and withdrawn from reality. We sent her an email saying how we are willing to help her any way we can to get through these problems that are festering within her but we can’t help her unless she’s willing to help herself.
7 Likes
Thank you for your kindness
3 Likes
Everyone so far has been very kind and understanding with their thoughts and prayers and advice and I appreciate it so very much. I’m not religious myself but I am thankful for your prayers for my behalf. I have prayed myself in times of great distress, even though I do have doubts about the existence of a higher power or an afterlife. Sometimes it has worked, sometimes it hasn’t but it all depends on what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling at the time.
7 Likes
Hey, @Joshua_Skaug. I’m really sorry to hear about what’s going on with your family right now. You’re among friends here. I hope things get better for you and your loved ones.
4 Likes
It sounds to be me like you and your dad are doing the best you can in this situation. Mental health problems affect the whole family.
3 Likes
Well, things seem to have turned around. At long last Mom seems to have come to her senses and is coming home; for how long, who knows, but she seems to have made a turn around, wanting to be family again.
8 Likes
I’m glad to hear it, and I hope she’s also getting the right help so this will last. 
3 Likes
Things have backslid again. Mom came home a couple weeks ago, but now she says she’s leaving again because she feels like she’s drowning where we live and that she’s struggling with stress and suicidal thoughts and there is nothing Me or Dad can do to help her. She says we’ve done nothing to prompt these feelings, just that she can’t cope with things anymore. She says she doesn’t want a divorce or to break up our family, more that she needs to spend at least a month all alone to “respite” and try to find counselling in Washington because she can’t get any here in California. A couple of years ago, before Covid, we lost our home in a fire that burned down the entire town. Our house didn’t burn but was condemned and we lost some things due to smoke and water damage, now Mom’s terrified of living in California anymore. Me and Dad don’t want to live her any more than she does, but we have to make plans about where we’re gonna go and what to do, not just pack a bag and run away like she’s doing again. Dad is devastated, feeling like the end has come again, and I’m worried for his health. I understand what Mom is saying because I have depression and anxiety and self-worth issues myself, so I try to explain it to Dad, but he’s one of those people who thinks, if you want to be happy, just be happy, why be mad or sad. Who knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow, all I know it what’s going on today.
3 Likes
One day at a time, right?
Was the fire the one that PG&E caused? If so, was a claim filed with them?
If it is within budget or coverage, therapy might be something to explore. Both in mitigating depression and together as a family unit. Like most things, it means taking some time and being a little patient with the process. It won’t necessarily revert things to how they were but can help chart a course even if the future seems shaky.
3 Likes
Damn. I’m sorry to hear that, brother. We’re all here for you, always.
You say that all you know is what’s going on today, and what @ColdStorage said is exactly right: one day at a time. Do what you can for yourself each day as it comes, do for yourself above all else, do for you. You care for your mother and your care for your father, but you have to take care of yourself and do right for yourself first and foremost each day. One day at a time, one step at a time.
That your mother says that she wants to find counseling is encouraging, and I hope that she gets the counseling and help that she needs.
For whatever it’s worth, I’m glad that you and your father have each other, and I hope that everything goes as good as gold for you folks.
What I said earlier in this thread still rings true: please don’t be hard on yourself or take any guilt on yourself for anything that happens outside of yourself. You don’t deserve that, you don’t deserve anything of the sort. I know that you’re worried about what’s happening with your mother and that you’re worried about your dad’s health, but however things are, please do not be harsh on yourself under any circumstances. Like yourself, I struggle with depression and anxiety and other issues (guilt issues chief among them), and to treat yourself negatively and burden yourself with guilt over things that are not your fault is something that you do NOT want to do. Trust me. I’ve done that, I’ve done a whole lot of that, and you do not want to do that. You deserve to do right by yourself, and to treat yourself kindly and well, and to have fun (be it with MST3K or something else) when you need to take a break from things for a while.
I wish I had more in the way of practical advice or suggestions, I wish I knew just what to say here, and I’m sorry that I don’t, I’m sorry that I’m not more useful here. What I can do is hold out hope and moral support for you and yours, and tell you that you’re among some fantastic people here, people who care and want to see you all do well. We’re here for you, brother. You walk among good people, and you’re good people yourself, don’t ever forget that.
All the best to you and your family, always.
2 Likes
It was. We filed claims, took forever for them to do anything, and they’re still dragging their feet when it comes to the final stuff. We’re thinking about suing them when everything is finalized because there was serious mismanagement.
2 Likes
She says this is just a temporary thing, she doesn’t want a divorce, we’re not gonna be separated forever, she just needs time alone to try and get her head together. Dad is still devastated but I’m trying to help him through it. She’s leaving tomorrow, but she did just say to Dad, hugging him, that this is temporary, and she will be back for us all to move elsewhere together as a family.
2 Likes
You cannot be and are not responsible for their feelings or their relationship. Your mom and your dad are both on their own journeys figuring things out. Please focus on making sure you have support for yourself okay? It can be us. As the son in this situation, I strongly advise against putting yourself in the position of being your dad’s main support system. I’ve been the kid that’s done that and it’s not good in the long term. Not knowing what the future holds when you had so much relative certainty before is hell, there’s no way around it. You’re going through something awful, period. Try to remember always that you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first. Please take care of you and know that you can’t change / aren’t responsible for the behaviors or decisions of others. Sending you super big hugs. DMs are always always open, sibling. 
4 Likes
Remember you are important. Two rights don’t make a violation.
4 Likes
I’m sorry that your father feels as he does.
You have a heart of absolute gold for trying to help him and wanting to help him like that amidst everything that’s happening, you really do. At the same time, you cannot and must not hold yourself responsible or accountable for how things go with your parents or their relationship. That is a weight that is not meant for your shoulders and should not be taken upon your shoulders.
And if things between your parents don’t go as you would have hoped, do not view that as some kind of reflection upon yourself, because it is not. Whatever happens between them is not a reflection or statement upon the kind of person that you are.
It’s commendable as hell that you’re trying to help your father, and my hat goes off to you. But even as I don’t like to tell people how to think or feel, I have to say this: don’t ever feel like you have to be Atlas and that it falls to you to carry the entire world on your back. Because it DOESN’T fall to you to carry the entire world on your back, to make everything work out perfectly. There are some things that are just plain out of our control, and I wouldn’t ever want you to feel bad or judge yourself about those things that aren’t in your control. Again, I’ve done that, and you don’t want to do that.
4 Likes
Thank you for your kind words, they do help.
3 Likes
I’m sorry things have turned again. I live in CA and though I’ve been lucky enough not to lose my house yet, I understand that fear. (I also want to leave and my husband’s anxiety disorder makes it hard to make plans for that.) It sounds like your mom is trying, but when your thoughts and emotions are in turmoil it’s so hard to think everything through, make plans, or even get or agree to the right kind of help. I hope your dad will see that this illness of hers can’t just be turned off by will; perhaps he would feel less hurt if he understood that the disease is in charge right now.
Please take care of yourself. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs.
3 Likes