My Mom is going crazy and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. She moved away from me and my Father to live in a tiny apartment in a retirement home, in Washington; me and my Dad live in California. She says that living in our home in CA is terrifying to her because we got burned out of our home during one fire season, so now, CA is cursed as far as she’s concerned, and that any moment it could burst into flames and kill us all. It’s true that me and my Dad don’t like living in CA in our 50+ year old, drafty, moldering house, anymore than she does, but we can only live where we can afford and what is currently available. Mom says she feels overstimulated in our house and around us, that the computers, and lights, and the TV put her on edge and she feels suicidal living here with us. So instead, she lives in another state, in a tiny old-folks home apartment, in the dark and the silence. The holidays are coming and it really hurts me and my Dad being separated from her. She’s visited a few times and each time seemed like she was mentally and emotionally ok, and that being with us was a good thing, but when she gets to be by herself for an extended period of time, she says that being with us in our house makes her overwhelmed. She only took a few belonging with her when she moved into this tiny barely furnished apartment and she seems to think me and Dad can do the same thing as her, just grab a couple important things and get rid of absolutely everything else we own. We have over 70+ years worth of belongings that are important and necessary in our lives that we would rather not just give or throw away and that it would be easier to keep and move with us, than just get rid of and get something new instead. She says she feels old and like the end is coming soon for her; every time an old classmate of hers passes away, she’s admitted to feeling like Death is waving his hands in front of her face, trying to grab her attention. My Dad is older than her and has never felt so young. He’s not ready to slow down and be an old man. It hurts my Dad emotionally and mentally to be separated from the woman he loves and it hurts me to see him this way. He says he feels helpless with Mom’s craziness and it is overwhelming to him to see her spiraling out of control and not be able to help the one he loves most. Mom seems to think we should be happy to see the back of her and doesn’t understand why we can’t be a family in separate states that never see each other. That’s not what a family is.
I think both you and your dad need to realize that depression is an illness, like cancer. If your mom had cancer, you wouldn’t be feeling guilty - you’d still be sad and grieving, but the extra burden of feeling like you need to cure her would not be there.
You can’t cure someone’s mental illness - that’s between them and their doctors.
I hope she gets better - I hope all of you get better, and letting go of the needless guilt would be better for all of you.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a lecture - it’s something I had to deal with a few years ago when a good friend committed suicide. There’s no real guilt here, no bad guy, no responsibility except to be kind to yourself.
I’d modify your first sentence a little bit. It’s not that there’s nothing you can do; it’s that you’re already doing what you can, and it just hasn’t fixed everything. So there may be nothing else you can do, but letting your mom know you’re there for her isn’t nothing. Accepting that you cannot fix the person you love is very hard. Within my immediate family I see depression (minor to debilitating), severe anxiety, alcoholism, and more. I wish there was anything within my power that would make all of that stop, but there just isn’t. It’s painful to accept that you can’t fix someone but don’t beat yourself up over it. Your mom has, like KHalleron says, and illness that can be very hard to treat and isn’t under your control, or hers. You and your dad can be there for each other as you both try to come to terms with life being the way it is instead of the way you want it to be, at least at this time.