Ka-Chong!!! You are now super strong. However, due to lack of fine control, you end up crushing everything you handle.
I wish I had a pastrami sandwich on rye.
3 Likes
The server tosses your pastrami sandwich onto the bar, missing the plate entirely and landing in a puddle of rye that just bounced for someone at this happy hour.
I wish I was a baller.
6 Likes
Ger-SPLOOSH! Congratulations, you are now a baller … but alas, you are not a little bit taller. Despite your hopes, you also don’t have a girl who looks good whom you could call, a rabbit in a hat with a bat OR a ‘64 Impala. You remain unfulfilled.
I wish I had invested in Zoom last January.
6 Likes
BAM! Oops, sorry. I mistook Zoom for Doom. But hey, at least you still made a good investment with a re-re-release of a classic FPS.
I wish there was no more mouse drops in my house.
4 Likes
Ala-Ka-Poopy! All of the mice in your house have liquidy diarrhea from eating all your double stuff Oreos. No more droppings, just little brown rivers everywhere. Maybe get some non-slip socks.
I wish my dog could talk.
6 Likes
Granted! Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark. Bark! Bark! Bark? Bark. Bark.
You immediately regret not wishing that you could understand what your dog is talking about.
I wish holodecks existed.
5 Likes
B Z Z Z Z R R R R K T !
And now, holodecks exist. But they only have one program, which is a 45 minute experience of having an ingrown toenail removed – and you play the part of the patient! The technology required to add libraries of experiences to the holodecks doesn’t exist; even if reverse engineering allowed for that technology to become apparent, attempts to use or alter the storage where the toenail program resides bricks the entire holodeck. When it is revealed that some people enjoy the lone program available, sometimes even playing it back multiple times on one visit, the whole of humanity becomes divided. Worldwide unrest ensues between “Those Who Squander Human Advancement” and “Those Who Reduce Human Advancement to Ingrown Toenails”. Nations fall.
I wish I had the body I used to have, back in my 20s and early 30s.
5 Likes
Granted! A lifeless body of a 20-something whose genes match your own is now in your home, slowly beginning to rot. Your neighbors (and possibly the police) would very much like to know why.
I wish I didn’t get sunburns.
6 Likes
I wish I didn’t get sunburns.
Nobody knows why the sun simply… went out. But the freeze that swept the globe came too quickly for anyone to do anything. There were no survivors.
I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed!
5 Likes
SLAM!
The refrigerator door closes and stays closed, permanently. You now have a useless refrigerator in your house. Worse yet, every refrigerator you replace the refrigerator also has doors that close and stay closed. Cold food is no longer an option to you and you live your life out asking people to get you some ice for your drink. You don’t mind so much but the rest of the world is getting a little resentful.
I wish I hadn’t entered this game!
6 Likes
Your wish is granted. A killer robot is dispatched from the future to ensure you are never conceived, and therefor can never play this game (or any other).
Note that the robot doesn’t actually have to kill anybody to accomplish his goal. Turns out that just having a bare-ass naked time-traveling robot that speaks in an unintelligible Austrian accent following you around everywhere you go is guaranteed to make sure you never get laid.
I wish I could travel to the edge of the universe and meet myself as God.
6 Likes
Shazam! You never entered this game. Meaning you never wished that you hadn’t entered the game. Which simultaneously undoes your wish and undoes the nullification of your wish. Time implodes on itself, the paradox destroying the entire universe, which is immediately replaced by a new, even more confusing universe. (This has happened 42 times before.) In the new universe, your feelings about cilantro are in direct opposition to those of your previous self, and you therefore can never again eat Mexican food without feeling a vague sense of confused disquiet. The game, however, continues without the presence of your previous iteration.
I wish humans were telepathic, so we’d never have miscommunications or language barriers.
4 Likes
uh oh we’ve got alternate universes now
7 Likes
ZZZZZZAP!
At the edge of the universe you meet yourself as God, who is all knowing because it is all consciousness spread out through creation only to be recombined now. So everyone is now telepathically linked as we all become the same consciousness again with the whole of all knowledge, thus rejoining all possible timelines, completing the Universe, which then blinks out of existence.
I wish there were new flavors of Pez.
3 Likes
Bingy-Bangy-Kabonga! Enjoy the Rainy Day Ipecac Edition of chalky tablets that pop out of your favorite licensed character.
I wish I had a good cup of coffee.
5 Likes
P L E W P !
A plain cup of what appears to be black coffee suddenly materializes on the table in front of you. There doesn’t seem to be anything special about it. You stare at the lazy wisp of steam rolling off its top.
At some point, you decide to touch the cup – perhaps to try and find some miraculous reason or secret to this mystery coffee. But no, it’s a normal cup. It is smooth and warm to the touch.
The aroma from the coffee has taken its time to fill the room. There is almost something comforting about its presence.
Yet… you feel anxious. Coffee doesn’t just appear from out of nowhere and, surely, your wish would have produced something a little more… extravagant? Bold? Wholly different from your prior coffee experiences? Something from a far off land you’ll never get to visit, or a preparation yet unheard of?
You continue to ruminate on your confusion and uncertainty, long enough that the coffee in front of you goes cold. Its vitality lost.
A voice in your mind, seemingly coming from nowhere and everywhere simultaneously, speaks to you. “Man’s greatest flaw is its hesitation. You were provided exactly what was needed, and you let it go to waste. Learn from this. Or do not. It is ultimately your choice, but do not hesitate on your decision.” Then you feel the voice wrap firmly around your mind. There is some pressure and then it’s gone. As is the cup of coffee that once was.
You seem you have peed yourself.
I wish work would give me that big raise I so richly deserve.
7 Likes
SHAZAM!
Work does indeed give you that big raise you so richly deserve, but apparently even you have underestimated your own incredible value and the raise drains all the company’s reserves and income, and it soon folds under the weight of your inestimable worth. Furthermore, you can no longer get a job because nobody can pay you properly, and your attempt to open a hotdog stand fails as everyone wants to give you $1,000 per dog, but nobody can afford it.
You spend your days painting priceless artworks and desperately trying to give them away to museums who demur on the basis of not having sufficient means to protect them according to their value.
5 Likes
Nicely done. But what’s your new wish?
4 Likes
I wish for more wishes!
2 Likes
Your wish is granted, which in turn grants three additional wishes, infinitely ad nauseum. So if you wish for no more wishes, it automatically adds the other two after they are gone.
Your every thought, whim, and desire become reality. You realize your impulse control is lacking, but also that literally considering something wills it into being. Reality collapses only shortly after those you love realize what’s happened, and are very disappointed in you.
I wish they hadn’t cancelled Tales From the Crypt.
5 Likes