[INSERT DON MARTIN SOUND EFFECT]!!! Tales from the Crypt was never canceled. The Crypt Keeper became so popular that they gave up on the rest of the show and now it’s just him making bad puns for half an hour. And that’s so popular that it’s on seven days a week, 24 hours a day on the Tales from the Crypt channel which is free with all basic cable packages and internet streaming services. And then there’s the merchandise! There are Crypt Keeper trucker hats, Crypt Keeper commemorative spoons, the hilarious Crypt Keeper Farting Doll (With realistic smell) that every kid had to have at Christmas, the surfer dude Crypt Keeper T-Shirts, the decals of the Crypt Keeper peeing on Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo on the back of trucks, you get the picture. Eventually all TV is just the Crypt Keeper telling bad puns. No one will want to watch anything else. Ever.
I wish I knew what a swell girl like Kay would like to do on a date.
poof Your wish is granted! You are now at Jack Taylor’s place - the gritty, hard-drinking Irish detective Jack Taylor’s place. Instead of a stylish, slick 1940’s American dream home, it’s a cold, clammy flat that smells of liquor and sadness. It is not in any way great.
I wish I was chosen by the Star League to fight Xur and the Kodan Armada.
You’re now enlisted with Star League. Futuristic looking military folks try to bring you up to speed with the battles currently playing out and what your role will be but you find it hard to pay attention. You’re too distracted and elated with the sudden change in your fate.
After completing a rather rushed regimen of what you can only assume is “basic training”, your commanding officer introduces themselves for the first time and asks what you want to contribute to the cause. You blurt out some passionate babble about stopping the tyrannical Xur for maybe a bit too long; the commanding officer stares and nods politely, though it is evident they don’t have the faintest idea what you’re going on about.
A few days later, you’re called to join a battle that’s already underway. As you enter the hangar bay, you realize your wish was bungled.
You’re in BattleTech’s Star League, not The Last Starfighter’s. You get crammed into the cockpit of a LCT-1L Locust. Fifteen minutes later, you somehow manage to tangle the 'Mech in an array of power lines; heavy shelling finishes you off.
They bring back Jell-O® Pudding Pops™ in three flavours, and three flavours only: Feta N’ Blueberry, Castor Oil and Buyer’s Remorse. You are gifted a lifetime supply of all three, delivered in a single shipment and left on your lawn while you are at work. It is a very hot day. You just recently laid new turf at considerable expense. The crates are not, I repeat NOT airtight. There is some leakage as the frozen treats melt. By some ‘some’ I mean ‘allot’.
