Everything I Need to Know I Learned From MST3K

Yes, MST3K is an amusing show and all, but what have we learned?

  • Never grow a monster in a bathtub

  • You should never ask for anything unless you really want it

  • The real spirit of music is conformity through consumption

  • If you need something hidden, put it in a box marked Hamdingers

  • Whatever the point of The Bubble was

  • Modern society would collapse without springs

  • Gentle pressure

  • Accusing your parents is a valid legal strategy

  • Your local community center is a goldmine of dating activities

  • Never steal anything wet

Anything I missed?

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  • Always look.
  • Some breads are specialty breads.
  • The ghost of Benjamin Franklin can haunt high school students.
  • JUST GO TO PUERTO RICO, OKAY?!
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  • If someone’s about to shoot you, for Heaven’s sake don’t tell them you’re Ted Nelson.
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DO NOT TAMPER IN GOD’S DOMAIN

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Fer God’s sake, never complain about springs!

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I learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature and because of it, the greatest in the universe. I learned too late for myself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection, they find only death…fire…loss…disillusionment…the end of everything that’s gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can’t be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from man himself.

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On that note, I learned that every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful, if we’ll just take the time to look at it.

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-Watch out for snakes
-Winning an essay contest leads to a lifetime of crime
-Santa Claus’s biggest nemesis is Satan
-Forklifts are murder weapons.

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  • Cheating leads to being in an inescapable Kafkaesque existential hell.
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  • Order some of Torgo’s Pizza (actually don’t).
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-Giving an ok hand gesture actually means the exact opposite.
-Merlin has worked alongside Santa Claus and the Devil at different times.
-Greg Brady worked at a cotton picking farm.
-If killer shrews won’t kill you, alcohol will.
-You will go through a mountain range, freeze, and fall to your death over a collie.
-Teenagers turning into dictating giants won’t even get a slap on the wrist when back to normal size.

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Florida is very Italian.
That’s not Sinbad!
Who Merritt Stone is.
Not to be named Paul.

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The importance of getting beyond Thunderdome.

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  • To drink it all (because sometimes the poison’s at the bottom).
  • I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing.
  • Commiting some sin in a single lifetime can result in giantism.
  • I’m an empiricist because I need to see the water.
  • This is where the fish lives.
  • Robert Denby is elusive and and it’s because of these filthy glasses that I can’t find him.
  • Booze is the solution to every problem. (Brought to you by the Booze Council™)
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If a marriage is stretched too much…

Beavis And Butthead Comedy GIF by Paramount+

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Women in the sciences are only there to meet men. And they’re only attracted to men who are grabby, condescending windbags.

Being a woman in the sciences leads to being paraded in a negligee and then throttled because it turns out evil aliens hate coffee.

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  • I know how to build an interocitor in my bedroom

  • I know that a morning jog and a little tightrope walking will make me a ninja

  • I know there might be beer on the sun

  • I know to always double-check the numbers when remodelling a ski resort

  • I know every country has a monster

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• I learned that I don’t get Crow. Or was it Tom I don’t get?

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  • man is a feeling creature
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Kids’ brains taste better when they’ve been thinking about donuts.

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