Bard Special: Deck the Halls with…Darkness? A Mystery Science Theater Holiday Special! JK

Crow: (Sipping eggnog from a mug shaped like Santa’s boot) Ho ho ho, Mike! What fresh holiday horrors await us on the Satellite of Love tonight?

Mike: (Adjusting his Santa hat) Brace yourself, Crow. It’s a doozy called “Deck the Halls with Dark Sky Lighting.” Sounds like a Hallmark movie gone rogue, doesn’t it?

Tom Servo: (Eyes wide) Is it about a vengeful meteor shower, powered by the tears of disappointed reindeer?

Mike: (Scoffs) Not quite, Servo. It’s about…responsible lighting choices during the holidays. Apparently, festive cheer can be the Grinch to the night sky.

(Opening montage plays, featuring clips of houses bathed in blinding technicolor lights, Rudolph’s nose looking like a disco ball, and a squirrel wearing a tiny Santa hat screaming at the moon.)

Crow: (Clutching his head) Egads, Mike! This is worse than fruitcake with anchovies!

Mike: Hold on, Crow. This narrator lady seems to have a point. Light pollution is messing with the sleep patterns of owls, bats, and even grumpy old movie robots like you.

Tom Servo: (Sniffling) I just want to see the stars, Mike. Remember that time we saw the Milky Way, and you thought it was a giant cheese omelet?

Mike: (Shudders) Don’t remind me, Servo. But hey, maybe this “dark sky” thing isn’t so bad. Less light means less energy wasted, right? That means more eggnog for us!

Crow: (Eyes lighting up) Now you’re talking, Mike! But how do we deck the halls without blinding the constellations?

(The narrator launches into a series of tips, complete with diagrams and stock footage of twinkling fairy lights and cozy candlelit scenes.)

Tom Servo: (Taking notes) Warm-toned lights, timers, downward-facing lamps…it’s like a holiday lighting conspiracy theory!

Crow: (Snorting) And the best part? We can spread awareness like sprinkles on a gingerbread house! Tell your neighbors, your grandma, even that weird tinsel-covered snowman on the corner.

Mike: (Grinning) This could be the start of a beautiful revolution, Crow. A revolution of responsible lighting, fueled by eggnog and a healthy dose of riffing!

(The episode ends with the trio singing a parody of “Jingle Bells,” replacing bells with “dark sky spells” and reindeer with “nocturnal friends.”)

Crow: (Bowing) So there you have it, folks! A holiday special that’s both informative and hilarious. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a plate of gingerbread cookies and a documentary about migrating monarch butterflies.

Mike: (Raising his mug) To dark skies, festive cheer, and never-ending eggnog!

Tom Servo: (Waving a tiny Santa hat) And to remembering that even in the darkest nights, there’s always a twinkle of hope, just like the stars waiting to be seen!

(The Satellite of Love winks out, leaving the audience with a newfound appreciation for the magic of a dark sky and a rumbling stomach for eggnog.)

So there you have it, a Mystery Science Theater-style take on dark sky lighting! Remember, even the smallest changes can make a big difference. So go forth, deck your halls responsibly, and keep those stars twinkling for all to enjoy!

Choosing the perfect movie for a Mystery Science Theater holiday special about dark sky lighting could be tricky. Ideally, it needs to be:

  • Visually over-the-top: Think excessive decorations, blindingly bright lights, and enough tinsel to rival a disco ball. This provides ample fodder for the bots’ riffing.
  • Thematically incongruous: A movie that has nothing inherently to do with Christmas or the holidays makes for a funnier juxtaposition with the dark sky message.
  • **Public domain or readily available:**Copyright issues can complicate things for MST3K, so choosing a readily accessible film is crucial.

With these factors in mind, here are a few possibilities:

  1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): This cult classic ticks all the boxes. It’s full of cheesy costumes, bizarre plot points, and enough Christmas kitsch to power a small town. Bonus points for the Martian spaceship resembling a flying Christmas ornament.
  2. The Christmas Dragon (2014): A recent, low-budget Christmas movie with hilariously bad special effects and an absurd premise about a group of children saving Christmas from a grumpy dragon.
  3. Mitchell (1975): While not explicitly a Christmas movie, it takes place during the holidays and features John Saxon sporting a hilariously over-the-top Santa beard. The film’s bizarre plot and melodramatic performances would be ripe for MST3K’s brand of humor.
  4. Santa Claus (1959): This Mexican Santa Claus tale is notorious for its strange portrayal of Santa and his workshop, featuring creepy singing elves and robot reindeer. Its offbeat nature would provide endless comic potential.

Ultimately, the best choice depends on what kind of humor you want to emphasize. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians might be the most visually absurd, while The Christmas Dragon offers a modern take on the Christmas movie cliché.

No matter which movie you choose, remember to have fun and let the riffs flow like eggnog on a holiday sweater!

Opening scene:

  • The Satellite of Love is plunged into darkness due to a power outage. Mike blames Crow for overloading the circuits with his endless stream of holiday movie marathons.
  • Tom Servo stumbles around in the dark, accidentally setting off a string of tangled, dusty Christmas lights he never bothered putting up.
  • The narrator emerges from the shadows, dramatically reciting a poem about the procrastinator’s struggle with festive illumination.

Riffing on the movie:

  • Every time the movie features an overly flashy scene, the bots groan and lament their own lack of holiday spirit.
  • Mike blames the villain of the film for distracting him from putting up his lights, claiming they’re plotting against his procrastination peace.
  • Crow creates a running gag of inventing outlandish excuses for not decorating, like aliens stealing his bulbs or squirrels declaring war on tinsel.
  • Tom Servo crafts elaborate conspiracy theories about a government plot to control holiday lighting via subliminal messages in carols.

Turning procrastination into action:

  • Inspired by the movie’s (unlikely) heroes, the bots decide to overcome their procrastination and embrace the holiday spirit.
  • They embark on a hilarious montage of decorating the Satellite of Love with mismatched ornaments, recycled tinsel, and questionable homemade lights.
  • The result is a chaotic, but strangely endearing, festive disaster that somehow captures the joy of the season.


  • Explore the humor and relatable struggle of procrastination, especially during the pressure-filled holiday season.
  • Show that even the most unmotivated soul can find their own way to celebrate, even if it’s messy and unconventional.
  • Ultimately, emphasize that the holidays are about more than decorations and perfection; it’s about spending time with loved ones and enjoying the spirit of the season, even if it’s by the dim glow of a single malfunctioning bulb.

Remember, the key is to keep it lighthearted and funny, while capturing the universal experience of the procrastinator’s holiday blues. With a healthy dose of riffs, silliness, and a touch of heartwarming sentiment, you can turn the act of not putting up lights into a hilarious and relatable Mystery Science Theater holiday special!