It just occurred to me that there are a lot of “Don’t” movies, so as a movie collector I decided to find them all to add to my library. They’re all terrible in various degrees, without exception - how fun would it be to have a “Don’t” season? There’s “Don’t Go Into the Woods,” “Don’t Go In The House,” “Don’t Open The Door,” “Don’t Answer the Phone,” “Don’t Look In the Attic,” Don’t Look In the Basement,” “Don’t Go to Sleep,” “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” which is actually pretty good, and even a Christmas horror movie - “Don’t Open Till Christmas.”
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Now that I’ve thought over it, one of the exceptions to the 80sish season I’d make, would be another go at The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds (1977), which was riffed during the KTMA era, albeit with a nicer print now.
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Here’s my final four in my “realistic Season 14”! Going to bring some more obscure stuff into the fold:
- Rat Pfink a Boo Boo (1966): The strangest “superhero” movie ever made. I’m genuinely shocked this was never covered in the earlier seasons. It just seems perfect for the show. It’s equally incredulous and painful.
- Nukie (1987): It’s been a while since I’ve seen this, but I’m cool with echoing everyone else in this thread who suggested Nukie. If Pod People and Mac & Me are any evidence, ET ripoffs are riffing gold.
- Yes, Giorgio (1982): Where to begin? Pavarotti acts in a romantic comedy that can only be described as “cringe”. Hey, at least he gets a few arias to make up for it. I’m sure John Candy and SCTV made fun of it, too.
- Road House (1989): Why not? Crow’d love it, and it could also double as a Christmas special! Some editing would have to be done, but, hey, we already had some real footage used in Nate’s “…Swayze One More Time” music video, so there may be a chance!
BONUS HOLIDAY EPISODE (if necessary, or if the rights to Road House are too expensive):
13.5. Magic Christmas Tree (1964): Oof, this is absolutely painful. It’s only an hour long, but it feels like 3. Perhaps some extra host segments would help, but…yeeesh. This absolutely reeks of a movie that was meant for general purposes but re-edited/re-written to cash in on the Christmas season. Co-starring a cat who just happens to be named Lucifer. (Haven’t we learned anything from Christmas movies involving Satan?)
(EDIT: Just learned it was Rifftraxed. Oh well, there are plenty of odd, obscure and awful xmas films out there)
There we go. 13-ish movies in 3-ish posts for a hypothetically realistic-ish MST3K season. Of course, with more thorough research I’m sure I would have found some more gems but I kinda wanted to put this into the world and find more obscure stuff later.
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While I’m philosophically unopposed to a “Don’t” season, I can say I never want to see a naked woman chained up and set on fire with a flamethrower. I mean, particularly not on MST3K, but even in general.*
*Unless it’s necessary to the plot, as JB would say.
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It’s always necessary according to whoever’s making the movie.
Some people seem to have an endless appetite for this kind of thing. I’ve never been one of them, though. 
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People throw around the phrase “torture porn” carelessly to mean “any level of gore I don’t like” but I think a more useful definition is “sympathizing with the infliction of pain.” So, I don’t count Saw, for example, because at no point (in the first movie) do you not sympathize with the victims, whatever their flaws are, i.e., the movie is driven by wanting to see the characters escape.
Don’t Go In The House seems to exist solely to display pain being caused.
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You’re in luck with Choppers! The Mads riffed it on The Mads Are Back, and I think you can buy the download these days. Great list!
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Updated from a previous post:
1401 Alladdin (1986) Seems like we need a horrible “children’s” movie here in the season and I think this is so over-the-top bad that it would be a good 1401 This low budget Aladdin flick was the worst Aladdin to come out until the straight to video Disney sequels. Aladdin (1986) clip - YouTube 1
1402 Journey to the Center of the Earth(1988) A sort-of sequel to Alien from L.A. It is mostly about a young woman who gets a dog-sitting job. Actually less lucid that Alien from LA. IMDB note explains it this way: “According to director Rusty Lemorande, only the first eight minutes of this film were directed by him. The rest of it is the sequel to the Kathy Ireland vehicle Alien from L.A. (1988) directed by Albert Pyun, which was tacked on by the producers and renamed “Journey to the Center of the Earth” in order to fulfill contracts with foreign distributors.” Journey to the Center of the Earth Official Trailer #1 - Albert Maritz Movie (1989) HD - YouTube
1403 Death Sport (1978) Post-Apocolyptic Corman flick with riff fave David Carradine. Screenwriter/ co-director of the film said, “ ‘it became “hell” from the third day of shooting. ‘The script was too ambitious, the shooting schedule too tight and…the crew and the cast were largely sodden with drugs.’”
And it shows. Possibly the turning point of Carradine doing solid reputable movies and the B movies we know him bset for. DEATHSPORT - (1978) TV Trailer - YouTube
1404 The Little Mermaid (1976) Hey it’s been a minute since we did a goofy Russo-Finnish fairy tale flick hasn’t it? The Little Mermaid (Soviet film - 1976) (a few scenes) – YouTube I am uncertain if there is an English dub of this but I am betting there is.
1405 A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019) My new absolute favorite bad Christmas film, even worse (in the best way)than The Town that Outlawed Christmas. “Starring” Eric Roberts mostly with voiceovers and B roll footage, the film focuses on a dad’s mysterious disappearance after a theater shooting. You probably want to know if the very on-the-nose reference to a real life massacre is delicately handled. It is not. Seriously, when I first saw this film, I had to rip it from a DVD I bought and I thought, “Oh damn I didn’t rip the movie correctly, all the scenes are jumbled up.” But I was wrong, this was exactly the director’s vision. There’s karate too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24nYe5Abf4I
*Backup Christmas film, Christy: Santa’s First Female Reindeer (1996)
1406 Road to Revenge (1993) My all-time favorite bad movie. Wings Hauser! Devil-Worshipping! Baby-sacrificing! Corrupt cops! Line Dancing! This movie has it ALL GetEven (aka Road to Revenge) (1993) trailer - YouTube
1407 Invisible Man in Mexico (1958) Mexican made black and white version of the HG Wells story (kind of) about a scientist who invents an invisibiity process and slowly goes mad. English dub is pretty decent. New Invisible Man El Hombre Que logro ser invisible - YouTube
1408 Escape From Galaxy 3 (Starcrash2) (1981) Now, I know this is referred to a soft-core porn version of Starcrash but there’s actually little sex or nudity at least in the version I have seen so I think it could be edited out. I believe that Joel Robinson said it best, “You can bet that anybody seriously interested in world domination is gonna end up looking like a real snickerdoodle .” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJz3mKFt83Y
1409 Policewomen (1974) 70’s movie showing women can handle their own in the fight against crime, often wearing bikinis. Movie Trailer - 1974 - Police Women - YouTube 1
1410 Skatetown USA (1979) Isn’t it about time we had a Roller Disco movie starring Patrick Swayze riffed by MST3K? If you said no, you are wrong. The greatest story ever rolled:
1411 I Married a Monster From Outer Space (1958) To be very honest, not the worst movie ever but delightfully perfect for riffing. A young woman’s (Gloria Talbott – GirlsTown and Leech Woman and adorable in this film) fiance is possessed by an alien entity and has to find a way to move on and live with her Earth-conquering hubby. “I Married A Monster From Outer Space” Movie Trailer (1958) - YouTube
1412 Time Runner (1993) Mark Hammill and Rae Don Chong. This is the time travel movie that we can wrap my dream “the four Servos” around where realities get crossed and we see movie riff segments with all four teams: Joel/Trace/Josh, Mike/Bill/Kevin, Jonah/Baron/Hampton, Emily/Conor/Nate then they all meet up at the end and we also see Larry, Frank, Dr F, Mrs F, Bobo, Observer, Megasynthia, Kinga and Max all at Moonbase 13 and Mark Hammill makes another guest appearance reprising his role from the film.
Time Runner (1993) Official VHS Trailer - Mark Hamill Movie HD
Most Wanted Shorts
Last Date : Lewis D. Collins : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive (with a young Dick York!)
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Joel’s nixed this in the past for adult content. Also, Mr. Geteven doesn’t care for it. Otherwise, Jonah’s a fan and has riffed it non-MST3K.
I don’t recall much in it, but doesn’t the plot kinda/sorta revolve around sex? It’s sorta in that Europorn-libertine style. Also, I feel like it used footage from Starcrash in the sense of, like, filming parts of Starcrash on a videotape recorder with a fuzzy filter, but maybe that was just the copy I saw.
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I’ve been pushing that 1976 Russian “Little Mermaid” movie to be on MST3K! See this thread: Perfect MST3K Movie - "The Little Mermaid" - 1976 Russian Movie English DUB!! - #7 by Rusty0918. And that does indeed have a link to to an English dub no less. In addition, as I mentioned on the thread, the cinematographer is the same one as “422: Day the Earth Froze.”
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With a new year and another season to look forward to I decided that it’s time to put together another season. Once again like my last list I decided to put together one made out of lesser known B-movies. Also I decided that if there’s any official free way to watch these movies I’d share them just in case any of you guys would want to watch them yourselves.
- Tarzan In Manhattan (1989)
Tarzan (Joe Lara) must go to modern day New York City to rescue Cheetah from a Millionaire/Big Game Hunter/Mad Scientist (Jan-Michael Vincent) who experiments on apes in this ridiculous television pilot. Features a scene where Cheetah drives a stolen police car! Lara would go on to star in the unrelated television series Tarzan the Epic Adventures
Trailer
Watch Online on Tubi
https://tubitv.com/movies/519031/tarzan-in-manhattan
- Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978)
If you ever watched “The Omen” and wondered what this movie would be like if Damian is was a German Shepard have I got a movie for you? Richard Crenna stars as a hapless family man who unwittingly adopts a puppy so evil that he is forced to go to Ecuador to learn how to do a dog exorcism.
Trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhpKVsIOlUk
Watch Online via Creature Features
- The Prey of the Jaguar (1996)
Journeyman b-movie director David DeCoteau (Puppet Master III, A Talking Cat!?!) gives us this martial arts/urban superhero saga of a Ned Flanders looking special agent Maxwell Caulfield (Empire Records) who becomes a vigilante after his family is killed. The twist is his costume is literally based on his 7-year-old son’s designs so he’s the worst dressed superhero since Puma-Man! This is one of a handful of films produced by white collar criminal and Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort and believe it or not it won’t be the only one on this list.
Trailer:
Watch online on Tubi
https://tubitv.com/movies/498144/the-prey-of-the-jaguar
- Night Creatures (1962)
Patrick Allen and Peter Cushing star in this fairly silly Hammer romp. A navel captain investigates a smuggling ring and discovers g-g-g-hosts! Or more specifically “marsh phantoms” in a mystery that the Scooby Gang would have solved in about 24 minutes.
Trailer:
- Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare (1995)
Robert Hays (Airplane!) and Nancy Stafford (Matlock) Rockne S. O’Bannonare menaced by angry bees in this ridiculous TV movie from Farscape creator Rockne S. O’Bannon. Features an infamous scene were a woman uses a bridal gown as a makeshift anti-bee armor. “This will be a true story!” the Fox network warned us.
trailer
- Latitude Zero (1969)
From Godzilla creator Ishiro Honda comes this fantastic adventure story of a submarine crew who discover an underwater utopia city and must do battle with a diabolical 200-year-old mad scientist played by Cesar Romero! Has some genuinely fun special effects and a finale involving a griffin puppet!
Trailer
Watch on Toho’s Internet Archive
https://archive.org/details/latitudezero1969englishversion
- Skeleton Man (2004)
A staple of mid-00’s Syfy where a special forces unit is menaced by a SPOOPY SKELETON MAN! Or more specifically a dude in skeleton pajamas significantly less impressive than the ones seen in Nigh Creatures. It’s like Predator but much, much dumber! Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien star.
Trailer
Watch on Tubi
https://tubitv.com/movies/456914/skeletonman
- The Elm-Chanted Forest (1986)
The first-ever feature length Yugoslavian animated film which became a staple of early morning HBO in the 80s and proved that the defunct country did animation about as well as they did automobiles. An absolutely surreal story about an artist named Peter Pallette discovers he can talk to talk to animals and must save a magic forest from an evil cactus wizard king. Features some truly surreal musical numbers, a few uncomfortable racist caricatures, and a French sexy fox who gave some of us their first taste of furry fandom.
Trailer:
- Assault on Dome 4 (1994)
DIE HARD IN SPACE! Bruce Campbell serves up ham like it’s Christmas dinner as a diabolical mastermind who takes over a space station and Joseph Culp the only space cop tough enough to take him down. Another film produced by Jordan Belfort! Oh and the hero has the misfortune of being named “Chase Moran.”
Trailer:
Watch online on Plex
https://watch.plex.tv/movie/assault-on-dome-4
- Invisible Invaders (1959)
Did you ever wonder what Plan 9 from Outer Space might look like if it was made by someone a little more competent? Earth is threatened by aliens who are not only invisible but plan on re-animating the recently dead! This film stars a pretty great roster of B-movie actors including John Agar, John Caradine, Jean Byron, Philip Tongue and Robert Hutton.
Trailer
- Mystery on Monster Island (1981)
Terrance Stamp and Peter Cushing appear in this old-fashioned (for the time of it’s release) adventure film very loosely adapted of Jules Verne’s Godfrey Morgan. Ian Sera and David Hatton find themselves shipwrecked on an island with pirates and lots of silly looking monsters. Director Juan Piquer Simón also gave us the immortal MST3K favorite Pod People.
- Zotz (1962)
A very silly family adventure movie from the great director William Castle (House on Haunted Hill) which stars Tom Poston as a mild-mannered college professor who discovers a magic amulet and finds himself pursued by Soviet spies.
Trailer
- Expect no Mercy (1995)
Martial artist turned actor turned Tae-Bo infomercial pitchman and Lebanese Brazilian Canadian martial artist/film producer Jalal Merhi co-star as federal agents who must infiltrate a VIRTUAL REALITY MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING ACADEMY that is actually a cult run by the diabolical Wolf Larson (L.A. Heat.) Features some genuinely impressive stunts and some genuinely riduculous Mortal Kombat-inspired blue screen effects.
Watch on Film One’s official Youtube Channel
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This was featured on Movie Jo Night not too long ago.
At least they didn’t create the Trabant.
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I think it’s about time MST3K did a full-length bad animated film. It would be interesting territory for them for sure. I know some suggested “Pinocchio in Outer Space” as a candidate for one, and this “Elf-Chanted Forest” could be another candidate. Thirteen seasons in - break new ground here people! I’m sure there are plenty of bad animation movies to go around. Perhaps they could also do one of those cheap knockoffs of Disney movies that were done back a bit ago when they would sell such when Disney released their versions theatrically.
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I’ve got, uh, bad news about that “journey”.
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I know this is unlikely to happen, but I would like to see them do the first two “Power Rangers” movies. I’ve vowed that I would only ever see anything Power Rangers related if it was done by MST3K. That being said, the second movie (“Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”) was a real box office bust.
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Here is my dream season:
- Pinocchio in Outer Space (1965)
- Puss in Boots (1961)
- Hercules in the Haunted World (1961)
- The Ugly Duckling (1997)
- The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)
- Wild Guitar (1962)
- The Seventh Brother (1991)
- Ator: The Iron Warrior (1987)
- Ator: Quest for the Mighty Sword (1990)
- Tiny Heroes (1997)
- Atlas Against the Cyclops (1961)
- Doctor of Doom (1963)
- Sir Billi (2012)
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Oh dear… Was there a scandal I didn’t know about or are just referring to his string of homoerotic direct to video horror movies?
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I mean, there must be a scandal somewhere. But no, I meant that a “journeyman” usually is on a journey to become a master. I think deCoteau’s movies (and a lot of his peers from that era) are making much less interesting movies now.
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Eh you can’t blame him that there seems to be good money in LifeTime movies of the week and Halmark Christmas movies.
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Oh, no, I don’t blame him or Wynorski or Olen Ray or Gabai or any of 'em. It’s a living!
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